For The Sake Of The Blog..

I really don't have a lot to say.
Everything has sort of plateaued off right now.
Nothing exciting is moving for me,
but nothing is down in the dumps.

And that's okay?!!???
Yes. It is.

Just here.
Just living.
Just enjoying it.

Waiting for a change.
Waiting for summer.
Waiting for something secure.



At times I wish I were still naive like I was when I was in my younger days of high school.





I love this. (It's a link, click it.)

the days keep comin, they never fail ya.

there have only been two times in my life when i thought i was really dying.

one of those instances happen last summer when i was violently awoken by the loudest truck i have ever heard outside my window while staying at mars hill college one week. i thought it was the end of the world and Jesus was coming back and so i wanted to be prepared and ready and was seconds away from waking up jordan until i realized it was a truck. and i was in bed. and everything was normal..

the second time occurred at the beginning of last semester.
i'm a junior. living in the wonderful, beautiful, and much desired jefferson apartment building. there is a train that runs through campus. again, i was violently awoken by the loudest noise, even louder than the truck, and i again thought it was the end of the world and i had to get up and see what was going on. then i realized it was the train. and everything was normal..

i still am not used to the train.
three years and it still startles me. during the day it's just regular background noise. but once the sun goes down is a different story. nights in jefferson are awful. the past month and a half has been the worst. i don't fall asleep until way after i get in bed most nights. i lay awake night pondering, thinking, debating, praying, and listening to that damned train. it get louder every night, i swear.

it is nice to listen to local music because, often times, i know the place or thing they are singing and writing about. it's nice when someone with better musical capabilities/lyrics/thoughts can portray how you are feeling.

i know.
i know. i know, i know.

i talk about john mark mcmillan too much.

but.

my time here is ending.
i've expanded my mind here.
i think too much.
i hear that train so much.

we've almost become an odd-sort of friends because i expect it every night. it's comforting that there is something steady going on constantly at night when all the world is asleep except for me and i am debating my entire life's purpose.

what will keep me up when i leave here?


and it's nice when it reminds me of these words.




"i think about you late at night
sometimes when i can't sleep,
and i can hear the train.
it's always there,
you just don't know it til a quarter to three,
you just can't hear it in the day."

Today Will Be Better, I Swear!

i'm a roller coaster.
i am a boat being tossed around a turbulent sea in the dark with rain pouring down all around.

when asked who he was, God replied, "I AM WHO I AM."

i think this is a good response for myself. except in all lower case. and i am not God.
but.

i am human.
i am vulnerable.
i am messed up.
i am incomplete.
i am a failure.
i am loved.
i am forgiven.
i am resurrected.
i am redeemed.
i am.

i am who i am.
i am what my past has made me.
i am what i have learned from my life.
i am striving to be the person God has created me to be.

i am waiting for life to begin even though i know it's well on it's way.
i am sad.
i am happy.
i am content.

i am a bird struggling to stretch my wings and breathe fresh air.
i am timid about my wings not being strong enough to carry me through.


i am what i am because HE IS WHO HE IS.

I Was A Kaleidoscope.

I learned in one of my super awesome psychology classes last semester that most things that happen in life are random. Coincidence. That there aren't cosmic wavelengths aligning themselves with your life. Like if the person you were thinking about texts you, it's just by chance. It isn't a sort of fate or destiny. Or if you happen to be in the exact right place at the exact right time and you win a Wii, that just means you were lucky.

It may all be chance or a lucky instant in your life, but when my iTunes picks out a soundtrack that describes my feelings/thoughts/emotions/everythings perfectly one day, I can't help but wonder... maybe there IS something lurking around. Making sure. Keeping watch over me.


Regardless, thank you, iTunes, for making this a Death Cab day.






"with your hand on my shoulders,
a meaningless movement, a movie script ending,
and the patrons are leaving, leaving...

now we all know the words were true in the sappiest songs.
i'll put them to bed, but they won't sleep,
they're just shuffling the sheets, they toss and turn,
you can't begin to get it back."