It's strange how emotionally attached one can get to something. Whether it be an object, person, place, whatever, something can get under your skin. Or maybe less under your skin and more into your heart and your head. Lots of things easily become significant to me. I have a terrible memory, but I can usually remember most of my "firsts". First songs, first kisses, first smoke. Things like that. Distinct moments of my life can be defined in firsts, but no matter how many times I've repeated the act, the first is always the more prominent in my mind. I suppose that's why it's called a "first".

The first time I heard the song was a few weeks after we'd broken up. It was Spring Break except it wasn't very Springy and it wasn't much of a Break since I worked most of the week. I think it was the Monday night. So we wanted to get together but neither of us wanted to hang at the other person's house to avoid the awkwardness of parents and siblings and such. So he picked me up and we still weren't sure of what we were going to do. We drove and drove and drove. He said he wanted me to listen to this song and so I did. It had been the first time I really cried in a few weeks. We cried together and drove. We drove all around town and around all the backroads that neither one of us knew how to navigate. I think we listened to the song the entire time. So we decided to get some smokes and we went out to a graveyard where a friend of mine is burried. And we just laid there smoking some smokes. Not really talking. Just laying in the grass recalling the lyrics and the past year and a half in our minds. I don't think he liked the smokes but I did because it helped me to relax and not think for five minutes. So I've listened to the song every day for the past five months.
On rare occassions it feels like the first time.

The past week and a half has been incredibly different from anything I've ever been through.

I find it strange how the weather can so easily effect my attitude for the day.
Maybe it isn't just the weather.
Probably isn't just the weather.

I'm still breathing.

Contentment is the state of being content; satisfaction; ease of mind.

Trying to stay content is difficult. It's my constant prayer, and I think God is really helping me to remain in him and be content in him. I don't need physicalness to satisfy me. All I need to be content in my heart with God, and let him lead my life. Typing that is easier then actually going through with it.

Prayer is a great thing and it can do great things. If half of the people I prayer for daily knew I was praying for them, I wonder what they would think of it. Are they praying for me also?

This year is already different from last year. Good different.

I'm thankful for past experiences. But I'm not thankful for my ability to dwell on them.

I miss my family.

Lately I've been realizing how big God is. He is so big. He's so much more than I will ever be. I'm finding joy in my life now that I had never really known. I've always appreciated nature and it's beauty, but this morning walking to class, the sky was so perfect and I knew God had made it that way for me to see. For me to realize yet again how awesome he is. He's an Artist. He has my heart.

He's the perfect place to hide my heart.



"The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the works of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the end of the world."
Psalm 19:1-4

Here feels good.