recently i've been having dreams about school and people at school in situations at school. i don't consider my dreams prophetic in any sense of the word but i mean: i'll take wishful dreaming over wishful thinking any day.
i'm glad that the passport countdown is finally on the downward slope. four days from the time i am typing this blog. it's great that it is finally here, but still so nerve-wracking and overwhelming. i was out doing something the other day and i realized that it is what i am supposed to be doing. i am supposed to be going back to some of the basics of my faith. i need to be reminded to have a child-like faith again. don't get me wrong, i love discussing all the intellectual and complexities of God, but that's really all i have been doing lately. i haven't been reminding myself of his goodness. i am just excited about what this entire experience is going to be. excited and nervous as poo. i've yet to begin the packing process, but that will come soon enough. i was able to find some cool overalls from goodwill and a killer, vintage 60s dress from ragtime downtown. score on being the hippest kid at camp.
i don't know really know what God is preparing me for, but i can't deny the things he is teaching me. my brain is being stretched and expanded more and more every day as i read, think, learn, and hear about things going on in the local church and the Church. it's making me appreciate the fellowships i have been apart of. and making me realize what kind of fellowship i want to be apart of in the future. hm.
i'm going to be barefoot all summer. this is a good thing. i mean literally. i'm going to be stripping myself down to the basics. no shoes. just faith. faith that i won't step on anything too sharp or painful.
After The Enemy Lovers music video premier a few weeks ago, the band played some unrecorded, unreleased music. It was all fantastic. Honestly. It was. I really enjoyed this particular one, and was lucky enough to find this rare gem on the band's youtube channel. If you are reading this blog then listen to this song. The guys talk over it a bit and give some background, but other than that, it's a rough demo with some sweet lip-syncing and travel footage.
At Wingate it's hard to find time to just sit and be me. To listen to my music, think my own thoughts, and not have to talk. Sometimes at the beginning of each day I would pray for time to be alone. Even just for ten minutes. I was so busy from 8am-10 and 11pm some nights as soon as I got in I would want to be locked up in my room cut off my from any and everyone. Or most any and everyone, at least.
I'm treasuring this time because I know that in a few short weeks, my mornings/noons/afternoons/twilights/evenings/nights will be filled with preteens and teens. I'm going to love it, but I pray that for my own sanity's sake, God will provide a few minutes for me to recharge and listen to some alternative music.
Art is good to make when you are alone. You can listen to whatever music you prefer, old and new. You can use lamps and windows instead of overhead lighting. You can write what you want to write. I can drink coffee at four thirty in the afternoon. God can speak to you, you can speak to God without interference.
So. Here I sit in Copa Vida Coffee in Durham, North Carolina. Sipping on coffee (real coffee, mind you. none of this frilly, syrupy junk). Writing a blog. On a wobbly table. Wearing a denim shirt. JJ Heller is playing overhead in the background.. I mean if that doesn't scream scene hipster I fail at living right now.
I am glad I am here. And by 'here' I don't physically mean Copa Vida Coffee in Durham, North Carolina. I mean 'here' as in living. As in being awake to see life happen. I feel like I lived the latter part of this past semester asleep. I made myself blind and numb to actually what was going on around me. I was doing my day-to-day just fine, but that's all it was. Just day-to-day and just fine. There was nothing to arouse my slumbering heart out of it's deep sleep. Everything has been surface. Nothing deep. Sure, some intense things happened. I could go on and on and on about the anxiety and worry I have felt, but I think that those are the only emotions I have felt lately.
I've made myself numb to the things really happening in my life. I have been blind to the fact that some relationships fail, no matter how hard you try to pretend they're not. I have turned a cold shoulder to medical and health problems, making them small then they really should be. I didn't embrace my friends, some of which I will not see for a very long time. I just ran (or drove, rather) off into the sunset with the mountains calling my name.
I have drifted from God, and have put up a facade, making everything look okay. The truth is that I am scared of God, which is okay, I think. Though He's the forefront of my mind and a lot of my daily and weekly activity, I have focused more on His relationship with the people around me rather than my own personal, intimate relationship with him.. I criticize how other people focus on God rather than looking into myself to see the roots of my struggles.
I just do not want to be fake to God, because He can see right through it. And I don't want to be fake to other people about God, because though they can't see through it, I know it's fake. And I have been swimming in a sea of fake for months now. I know that God is good and real, but I'm not focusing on Him the way I need to be. I'm not reading or singing or praying in the ways that my heart really longs to do. I have been to worried about discussing the scientific version of God rather than the natural, real aspect of God. I have this mindset that once I start Passport things will become different; that things will be set into place and perspective for me. But the truth of the matter is that I need to get straight before that can happen.
What is holding me back from really, truly being Free in Christ?
I know it hasn't even been 48hours since I left Wingate, but I guess I was expecting some great sense of Peace to wash over me the second I drove off of campus. That hasn't happened yet. I'm still waiting for it to. Revleation will come soon enough.
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In other news, a few things I've thought of over the past few days: -I am officially a senior in college. wth. -I hope to be one of those moms that brings her kids to cool coffee shops to do their homework in the afternoon. My kid can wear camo shorts and a Pokemon shirt if he wants to. And my daughter will try coffee and like it. -Moms are cool. -I like visiting old people I have seen in a long time because they will always boost your self-esteem. They will tell you are 'so, so pretty' and 'so, so ambitious'. -Old people will say things that will make you intensely worry about your future. -As I sit here, it makes me realize how cool it would be to have my own cafe, so I guess I'd like to do that. Except I won't play college university a capella music. -It's summer and it's freezing! wth!
At the end of each school year, I have just felt this immense sense of relief. Like a billion pounds of stress have been lifted off my back and replaced with the warmth of summer sun. I feel that this year too. Everything has built and built and I don't know how to put everything I am thinking right now it a creative, metaphoric manner that will not disappoint or hurt anyone's feelings who might happen to read this. So I'm going to do my best.
The bitter: *I have friends graduating. That will be real adults. Living a real life that isn't kept safe by brick academic buildings or an intensely intimidating campus safety team. I feel for them. I am going to be in their shoes in a year. Hopefully. If I pass Spanish this go around. *I am going away all summer. I will be with no one familiar. No one who knows me, my situations. or my life. *I'm not going to see my best friends everyday.
The sweet: *I am going to groowwww this summer. *I am going away all summer. I will be with no one familiar. No one who knows me, my situations of life. *This year has gone completely opposite of what I thought it was going to be. It needs to be over for the sake of my entire being. *Going to be in a 2 person apt next year. That. Is. Sweet.
I feel like everything that could have gone wrong this year did go wrong. Murphy's Law. I mean, nothing terrible happened, really. Just things didn't go as I thought they were going to. The end of sophomore year was so straining that I thought for sure the beginning of Junior year would begin without a hitch.. The strain just ended up spreading itself out and wore me thin from the get-go. I tried to persevere. And I have mostly been successful in doing so up until the past few months.
I have the tendency of distancing myself from people I love when I know a "goodbye" is near. It has always happened. This is no different. I feel my heart pulling away from people already because I'm being cautious of my emotions. I'm sorry for those of you receiving the brunt of this distancing, but its my normal thing. It's weird. I know. Deal with it.
Packing up this room is a relief. I keep finding memories that have been hidden away in bookshelves, closets, letters, notes, and books. This year ending is a relief. Don't get me wrong, I am sad about it. But so, so so relieved.
I am praying with every ounce of my being that next year is completely different.
Normally Spring is associated with renewal and rebirth, but I am thinking that for 2010, those changes will come in the summer.
This song is about leaving, and thats what I intend to do.
