let that be enough.

There's a definite break in my heart.

No, no, no. It hasn't come from any certain person or certain event in my life, it's always been there. Chances are, you sometimes feel it too.

I have a past, and a present. My heart is pulled towards each of them.
I have oodles of future opportunities. My heart is pulled all over the place.
I have two homes. My heart is pulled towards each of them.
I know right and wrong. My heart is pulled towards each of them.
I know God and I know the world. My heart is pulled towards each of them.
I know love and I know Love. My heart is pulled towards each of them.

There isn't anything better than God's Love.
There ISN'T anything better than God's Love.
There isn't ANYTHING better than God's Love.
There isn't anything BETTER than God's Love.
There isn't anything better than GOD's Love.
There isn't anything better than God's LOVE.

A love that never fails, never ends, and always proves itself to me though it doesn't have to.

Only one interview, three classes, one and a half hours of Residence Life, and a crossword puzzle stand in the way of me leaving home number two to go to home number one.

I am going to write about home next time. Remind me.

no other fount i know.

Resurrection is my favorite word.

I have to refrain from writing it all over my body during class.
It's written in all my notebooks over and over and over and over again.
This concept of resurrection will not leave my mind. I think about it all the time.

Why? It boggles my mind. How could one person die for billions upon billions of people. How could someone Love so much to diminish himself into a human form? From living life on high to walking the lowly earth - a tomb. How could someone die to save a people who completely don't even deserve it in the slightest?

It is the greatest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Someone perfect. Someone who didn't deserve to die. Standing in my place.

Death is defeated. It has no victory. I am alive. I am alive because of God sending Christ to earth - a tomb. I am alive because Christ overcame the grave and brought life to me.

Resurrection.
Resurrected.
Resurrect.

Dictionary.com defines it as "the act of rising from the dead" and "a rising again, as from decay, disuse; revival" and "a rising above mortality through the understanding of spiritual life as demonstrated by Jesus Christ."

I define it as Perfect, Unfailing Love overcoming the grave to save me from myself.



I love Easter. Not only because of the extra days off, but because of Resurrection.



"o, precious is the flow,
that makes me white as snow.
no other fount i know,
nothing but the blood of Jesus."

For The Sake Of The Blog..

I really don't have a lot to say.
Everything has sort of plateaued off right now.
Nothing exciting is moving for me,
but nothing is down in the dumps.

And that's okay?!!???
Yes. It is.

Just here.
Just living.
Just enjoying it.

Waiting for a change.
Waiting for summer.
Waiting for something secure.



At times I wish I were still naive like I was when I was in my younger days of high school.





I love this. (It's a link, click it.)

the days keep comin, they never fail ya.

there have only been two times in my life when i thought i was really dying.

one of those instances happen last summer when i was violently awoken by the loudest truck i have ever heard outside my window while staying at mars hill college one week. i thought it was the end of the world and Jesus was coming back and so i wanted to be prepared and ready and was seconds away from waking up jordan until i realized it was a truck. and i was in bed. and everything was normal..

the second time occurred at the beginning of last semester.
i'm a junior. living in the wonderful, beautiful, and much desired jefferson apartment building. there is a train that runs through campus. again, i was violently awoken by the loudest noise, even louder than the truck, and i again thought it was the end of the world and i had to get up and see what was going on. then i realized it was the train. and everything was normal..

i still am not used to the train.
three years and it still startles me. during the day it's just regular background noise. but once the sun goes down is a different story. nights in jefferson are awful. the past month and a half has been the worst. i don't fall asleep until way after i get in bed most nights. i lay awake night pondering, thinking, debating, praying, and listening to that damned train. it get louder every night, i swear.

it is nice to listen to local music because, often times, i know the place or thing they are singing and writing about. it's nice when someone with better musical capabilities/lyrics/thoughts can portray how you are feeling.

i know.
i know. i know, i know.

i talk about john mark mcmillan too much.

but.

my time here is ending.
i've expanded my mind here.
i think too much.
i hear that train so much.

we've almost become an odd-sort of friends because i expect it every night. it's comforting that there is something steady going on constantly at night when all the world is asleep except for me and i am debating my entire life's purpose.

what will keep me up when i leave here?


and it's nice when it reminds me of these words.




"i think about you late at night
sometimes when i can't sleep,
and i can hear the train.
it's always there,
you just don't know it til a quarter to three,
you just can't hear it in the day."

Today Will Be Better, I Swear!

i'm a roller coaster.
i am a boat being tossed around a turbulent sea in the dark with rain pouring down all around.

when asked who he was, God replied, "I AM WHO I AM."

i think this is a good response for myself. except in all lower case. and i am not God.
but.

i am human.
i am vulnerable.
i am messed up.
i am incomplete.
i am a failure.
i am loved.
i am forgiven.
i am resurrected.
i am redeemed.
i am.

i am who i am.
i am what my past has made me.
i am what i have learned from my life.
i am striving to be the person God has created me to be.

i am waiting for life to begin even though i know it's well on it's way.
i am sad.
i am happy.
i am content.

i am a bird struggling to stretch my wings and breathe fresh air.
i am timid about my wings not being strong enough to carry me through.


i am what i am because HE IS WHO HE IS.

I Was A Kaleidoscope.

I learned in one of my super awesome psychology classes last semester that most things that happen in life are random. Coincidence. That there aren't cosmic wavelengths aligning themselves with your life. Like if the person you were thinking about texts you, it's just by chance. It isn't a sort of fate or destiny. Or if you happen to be in the exact right place at the exact right time and you win a Wii, that just means you were lucky.

It may all be chance or a lucky instant in your life, but when my iTunes picks out a soundtrack that describes my feelings/thoughts/emotions/everythings perfectly one day, I can't help but wonder... maybe there IS something lurking around. Making sure. Keeping watch over me.


Regardless, thank you, iTunes, for making this a Death Cab day.






"with your hand on my shoulders,
a meaningless movement, a movie script ending,
and the patrons are leaving, leaving...

now we all know the words were true in the sappiest songs.
i'll put them to bed, but they won't sleep,
they're just shuffling the sheets, they toss and turn,
you can't begin to get it back."

turnthisbacktowardsYou.

I don't have anything else really to say.

I Never Thought It Would Come To This But This Is The "Disclaimer."

Truth be told, I've been weary of updating my blog recently.

Not because of lack of time or thoughts to write, but because I know now that I have an audience other than my twenty followers who deliberately check this blog. I was informed over Spring Break that my mother gave out the link to my blog to various people at church, including people from her Sunday School class. Wow. Women who have impacted my life and my walk with Christ are not only now my Facebook friends, but also reading my blog. Truth be told again, I was a bit upset when my mother informed me of this recent development. I have seriously considered in the past week of getting rid of various posts from my blog, intensely editing my words, or deleting the entire thing all together. We all remember how vicious people from my church were when Myspace first came along and some of us in the youth group made innocent pages. That was then. Probably six or seven years ago if I'm remembering correctly.

That being said:

I'm not apologizing for anything anyone reads in this blog that may or may not come off as inappropriate, immature, wrong, or anything else negative. These are my thoughts, my feelings, my whatevers and you should consider it a privilege to be given access to the inside of my heart and mind and body and soul. I'm 21. I'm not living at home in a box. I'm freely thinking more than I have before in my entire life. I have doubts about myself, my life, and God. I struggle with things and that is completely normal. I'm not perfect. I'm not perfect. I am not perfect. I'm trying to live a life glorifying to Christ with this ridiculous mess I've been given to work with, and I don't always get it right. I don't want to lead a sugar-coated life. I was truth and honesty and realness. I never thought I would have to write something like this, and perhaps this is taking the entire thing a bit far, but I'm just considering it as a precaution. I know how much people can flip out when they find people aren't as perfect as you were lead to believe. I've had strange experiences in my short life that have made me what I have become. I serve a God who teaches me, molds me, and sometimes has to break me. That's okay. I accept it and whoever reading this should accept it as well. And chances are if I write something in my blog, I don't really want to talk about it in real life. This my own space to write what I think, and that sometimes means thinking it out for myself instead of talking it out with someone. I don't want to know if you read my blog the next time I'm home at church or what you thought of something I thought or said. Unless it's positive of course..

That went on entirely longer than I expected but perhaps it's for the best. If you're on here after my scripture spaces that I write for the school newspaper just contact me and I'll be happy to email it to you weekly because those don't end up in here all of the time.

Okay. /rant.

---

Anyway.

I'm going to be okay.


---

Thanks.

David & Jill.

No matter how hard I try or you try, someone will always be able to say it or word it better than we can. I'm decent with formulating my thoughts into blog-form, but there is always going to be someone who can describe things going on better than me. For this reason and this reason alone, I will always be quoting others. Get over it.

For instance:
David wrote elegant Psalms that display his love and longing for God, and I can barely get out a fragment some days.

This instance:
Jill Andrews sings about heart strings being pulled better than I could even begin to write it. So she can sing my blog for you right now. All you have to do is click play.

6.

Fact: Text messaging creates false intimacies.



(I have an unlimited plan.)