i think i finally felt God last night for the first time in months.
i witnessed God and saw God moving and working a lot this summer, but i never did ever feel overwhelmed by or content in God's presence. i was fine being an instrument to serve but never myself felt stretched by God's love.
there is something about this place that i love to hate and hate to love. i suppose it is my sacred spot, being here at wingate. the place that i know, time and time again, i will always find God. whether in meaningful conversations late at night, the moon - full and hanging low, or the incredible, massive sky that stretches for miles and miles and miles. forever.
i want to feel overwhelmed by the lights and tall buildings of a city.
or i want to be on top of a mountain witnessing the color of the change of day to night or night to morning.
i want to stand in the sea and hear the roaring noise - a noise so loud i can't hear myself think anymore.
i want to stand in pouring down rain and not worry about it.
to just be.
to be overwhelmed. and reminded there are things bigger than me. there are things like the city, sky, sea, and rain that can suffocate me if i let them. in reality i really am nothing.
i'm just a number, a colored in bubble.
i am just being. just a being.
how is it that i can feel like nothing and everything all at the same time?
i guess now is the time i have to write in here the past three months.
i don't know where to begin. working camp was one of the best, most trying, difficult, inspirational, and confusing times of my life. for 8 weeks i lived in a community of people with the same job/goal as me: produce a good camp; let God use you so people can experience God; work with a team. all these things are positive. all of things were accomplished. all of these aspects were difficult as junk to accomplish though. there were definitely disagreements, tears, anger, frustration, and all other sort of roadblocks. but overall, looking back, camp was a good experience. i grew to know and love 13+ staff members in an environment that will never happen again. our experiences were unique, and that's one of the best and hardest parts of the whole thing. i know that if i want to work camp again, it's not going to be the same as this past year. the people, places, everything will be different. i know that this is my own fear of comfortability and change coming through, but still.
i guess i had fun. i know i had fun. even with all the bad parts. it made our camp 'our camp'. our experience unique.
now i begin another time that i fear will come to an end just as quickly as passport did. for this my heart aches for time to slow down. give me time to rest, give me space to be. exist. be with people i love. learning. loving. sharing. thinking. feeling. trusting. being. living.
living.
i want to live.
to close, the song that best reminds me of the summer:
