your hand in mine.

feelings.
emotions.

if i could put them into the right words, then i would.
if i could formulate the correct sentences to flow from my lips, then i would.
if i could write a page without a thousand scribbles on it, then i would.
if i could sing it, i would sing it loud and endlessly.
if i didn't beat around the bush.
if i could make it sound half as good as it feels sometimes.
i could send it in a letter. i could say it a loud.
if i could figure out the way to verbally express how i feel from the tips of toes to the nails on my fingers to the hairs on my head all the way to the center of my heart to the air in my lungs to the length of my spine, then i would.

your hand in mine.



music makes me feel and love makes me sick.

i would be sad.

autumn colors are here.

they are vibrant. they are beautiful.

i wish that my eyeballs were hooked up to video cameras that were able to project onto television screens and in movie theaters. there is no way i can describe the way the blue ridge mountains impale their peaks so wonderfully into the bright blue sky. i can't tell you how a rusted, silver guardrail lines the median of a highway, overgrown with tall yellowing grass. or how the reds and greens and oranges and yellows and whatever other color you can see in the trees make the roads to homes somewhere i want to be for forever. on the road. forever. seeing Creation. experiencing beauty.

these are only things i can explain to you; things i can only write about.
and so, i will write to you. pages upon pages.
i wish i could show you these things so you could understand.
i wish you would be with me when i see them.
i wish you could see.

autumn is here. it is crisp. it is sweet. it is precious. it is brisk.

things these colors have taught me:
-seeing love expressed it so beautiful. especially when it is so easy. and just another day.
and whole.
-it is hard to hear the truth.
-it is easy to tell the truth.
-the truth is hardest to hear when coming from someone you love.
-the truth is hardest to hear when you've known it was the truth all along, but have believed the lie.
-the truth is inevitable.
-Hope will always prevail.

i don't want to think about these colors soon fading.
winter will soon come. it is always around the corner.

i don't know where i want to be anymore.

for now i will sit, wait, and wish to jump into these colors as they fall to the ground.

will you rake them for me?

long ride home.

it's hard to love so much and not receive it right back.

in all aspects of all my relationships.

i feel like i give a lot. but to no avail.

to nights alone. to time spent wondering.

it's too hard.

i have a lot of expectations for myself that i seem to of fallen short on.

what about me isn't enough?

in between.

today i have realized that without God, i really have nothing.

once you feel it, it's something you can't turn away from.

i am in the middle of being born and being dead. i am full of life. i am full of Life. i am in this world to cause a stir, to be something different, to proclaim Truth. i am the trapeze swinger who has let go of the first bar. i am flying in the air, ready to catch and hold onto the next bar. this air is full of mystery, full of Love, full of exhilaration, full of anxiety, and full of Hope. i am an instrument used only to proclaim the Truth i so much believe and identify in.

God can use me for big things. that's the only thing that makes sense right now.

God is good.

from Psalm 70:

"but as for me, i will always have Hope;

i will praise You more and more.

my mouth will tell of Your righteousness,

of Your salvation all day long,

though i know not its measure.

i will come and proclaim Your mighty acts,

O Sovereign Lord;

i will proclaim Your righteousness, Yours alone.

since my youth, O God, You have taught me,

and to this day i declare Your marvelous deeds.

even when i am old and gray,

do not forsake me, O God,

till i declare Your power to the next generation,

Your might to all who are to come."

sticky notes.

today i heard a phrase that was sticky note worthy. you know, sticky notes. the things you write down important things on. ever since my freshman year, my cork board above my desk ends up looking like inspiring words threw up on it...spreading to the surrounding wall, staying up by using tape.

it's nice to look up from the computer from time to time and see things that stood out to me and became engrained into my soul at one point or another. usually a quote from someone i like, something a friend would say, a poem, a verse from the bible, or just a thought i may have.

today i went to church. i was going somewhere i was totally judging before i even walked into the door. mega churches. you know the type. the ones where everyone carries around their coffee and there is a lot more flannel than you'd ever think to see in your life. the mood was set just right by the lighting, fabric covering the walls, and the flannel. the worship leader was david crowder-esque but from the moment he began singing 'your love is strong' by jon foreman followed by steve fee's rendition of 'jesus paid it all' i knew i had found something i liked.

the message was decent and i think i agreed with most everything that the pastor said. but this guy leading worship was just incredible. pretty much the passion of tim scroggs except for singing to God and being an instrument for others to follow.

the most prevalent thing that i remember hearing from the whole service is:

"if it's true, then it changes everything."

this phrase has been looping over and over again in my brain ever since i heard it. it's all i could think about while driving back to Wingate today. i cried for a long time because my heart was just content and overwhelmed at the same time by it.

if God is true, then God changes everything.

God changes everything about me, about my future, about my world, about my love, about my situations, about my everything. i should be so engulfed with God in my heart, mind, soul, and body that the only thing that pours out of me is God. God changes everything about me. i know that God does. i literally feel a pull in my heart as i sit here typing these words.

God is infinite. God is marvelous.

God makes everything perfect and whole and real.

God makes me clean and bright and worthy of love.

God creates. God builds up. God gives.

God restores and redeems. God resurrects.

God is everything, God is in everything.

if it's true, then it changes everything.

it is sticky note worthy.