Beside Still Waters.

This place is wearing me thin.

I still have a week and half left. With four exams in between. And graduation.
And leaving lots of people I love.

I have reached that point of enough. I've had enough of Wingate for now. I love this place but I am ready to move on to summer. To something new. To something unfamiliar. Something far away. Something that is so intimidating and scary but I long just to be there. Barefoot.

My mind is racing a thousand miles per minute.
My heart is beating out of my chest.

I don't remember how to pray right now because I don't know how to make the sentences I want to say to God. I don't know what I need to be praying for. I don't know how to remind myself that earthly things are temporary and that Godly things are eternal. My body longs for things and my heart yearns for others and still my mind tells me what it thinks is best. I don't know what my spirit is telling me.

I don't want anyone to talk.
I just need peace of mind, body, soul, and heart.
I need quiet.

I know that God is big and that God is wonderful and good and Love.
I know that I know that I know that.
But I'm not seeing or feeling it.
Should there be such a huge difference between knowing it and feeling it?

I'm not meaning to be moody and mean. It's just how I'm gonna be probably until something happens. Or until I leave here.

I need to listen like David listened.
Beside still waters, down paths of righteousness.
Leading to green pastures.


"My heart is not proud, O Lord,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel Sarah, put your hope in the Lord
both now and forevermore."
Psalm 131.

Monday Morning Haiku.

You used your clean blood.
i will use my hair and my
alabaster jar.

Everything's Not Lost.

Chris Martin sings my life.

"now i never meant to do you wrong,
that's what i came here to say.
but if i was wrong then i'm sorry
but don’t let it stand in our way.
'cause my head just aches
when i think of the things
i shouldn’t have done
but life is for living,
we all know,
and i don’t want to live it alone."

So.

I mean, I guess I could write about the weather.

I Have Phnom Philm In My Nose.

Recently has been good. I went away to the beach this past weekend with my two best friends. It was lovely, indeed. The beach is a good place to renew and remind and recharge and refresh, even if you don't go onto the beach for more than an hour. Just the quiet, lazy, laid back atmosphere is enough to make you feel good. Anyway. I had the bright idea to bring a notebook with us in the car, which turned into Kyle and I's "notebook of adventure" or "thoughts notebook". Regardless of what we want to call it, it's funny. Anyway, a few excerpts that really capture the weekend. I'm not going to tell which of us this is coming from. It makes it more fun that way.

-

"This is dumb. 3 freaking girls & me. They're talking about swimsuits. Lame. Chelsea cuts Travis' netting out of his. Cute. Ouch. Freaking yellow car."
"Kyle thinks he's a child of God but I'm pretty sure his mom's name is Tammy..."
"Is it wrong that I keep thinking about my English teacher eating a strawberry? Oh well."
"Claire now has on a black cardigan on. I'm still holding in strong in a t-shirt b/c I may be having a heatstroke."
"If I had to think of one word to describe this roadtrip...it would probably be: permeable. Ok, cool."
"Sarah's feet are on the dash, the sun is beginning to set & things R abt 2 get CRAZIE!! :)"
"Chelsea said I'm not allowed to touch Travis."
"Yes Finally Even 2:2. Ha! N-E-WAY We just played a round of creepy hand pound fist-jellyfish-turkey-bra."
"If this were a video game that guy would be dead. Swerve first, look later. I am pretty sure Keri wants to sit in the middle and lean to the left round the curve. Yea he'd be cool if it was '87-'92!"
"I can't see what I am doing. (thats what she said) its so quiet in here I wish someone would say something but if I said something it would probably be in appropriate."
"Jesus forgives! & loves he desires intamacy with us his Children. Chelsea and Sarah are gifts from God to me. Lord please bless them. They are cool & loving. & I shout out to God with a voice of triumph! Lord you Reign! Okay I Love you dude!"
"Keri dresses really cool and Travis is cool too except we're having to listen to country muzik. I guess I can handle it for now but maybe not forever. I'm pretty sure country music is of the devil and the only thing you hear in Hell is Randy Travis and Martina McBride. 24/7."
"We R @ South Port & now we R Not. L8R!"
"Sunday or Sonday yo! I need some coffey bruh! We R on the Way to Port City Church...yeah it is going to be awesome...wow time flies. CRAZY."
"Now we are going to see the beach. w00t. "
"We went 2 buy a dern kite but they were >$14.00. Ripoff! We are blocks from the shore. I like the atmosphere...sandals...barefeet...shades...cool beach houses & JMM in the background. God is good and cool."
"I want to be in a redneck yatch club...only red for a little while then tan-neck since I'll always be on the water. And fishing poles. AND a Corona. Then I'd be set. Okay, thanks."
"it is a-okay to wear a cardigan @ the beach. even when it is sunny outside."
"I wonder what it would be like to be a flower petal. Not the whole flower just the petal. I just sure hope she'd love me not. Because after all it sure would be difficult dating a flower petal."
"74 is my least favorite road. but its the road that connects three places that i love. ironic."
"sometimes when people who are not sexy at all try to act sexy, it does not make them sexy but really just makes everyone else feel uncomfortable."
"I do not CARE what anyone says I AM the Greatest Man on Earth."
"i like the beach. i like God. i like coming home. i like it. living."

-

okay is it summer yet?

:)

Away We Go is in my top five favorite movies and I love this song.

Home Is Where The ________ Is 2.

My mother said that home is wherever she is.

I guess thats the only answer I need right now.


Thanks, mom.

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

I typically try not to make this blog full of complaints. And I don't even really ever blog about my daily happenings, but today was so bad that I feel like I just need to document it. This blog will be even funnier than the fifty times I told all these stories today because the NyQuil is beginning to take effect on my sanity and eyelids for the night.

A Timeline of Today's Events:

8am-Woke up crusty. And sweaty. I am going to be blunt here. Crusty from the snot hardened onto my nose from a night of runny nose fun.
8:45am-Out of the shower. Spill contact solution all over myself.
8:50am-While applying my powder foundation, I somehow manage to spill the majority of the container all over the floor.
9:45am-Breakfast with Chelsea in the cafeteria. Not good coffee. At all.
10:30am-Counseling class. No caffeine. Outside for our lab. Enduring the heat and pollen. Dying.
12pm-1:30pm- ResLife. Miserable. No air conditioning. No caffeine. No business.
1:30pm-Test in Family Problems that was pretty easy. Still no caffeine. Got out early.
2pm-Go back to apt before Spanish. Vacuum up spilt make up this morning.
2:10pm-Find Cheerwine in fridge. CAFFEINE! Mange to spill it ALL OVER my bedroom. It was all over my dress, all over my hair, all over the carpet. All over everything. Red. Everywhere.
2:12pm-Begin the clean up process. Miserable.
2:25pm-Sulk in bed before going to Spanish.
3:00pm-Spanish class. Miserable. Terrible. I hate this class.
3:45pm-Get out of Spanish early (woo!) My teacher compliments my "lovely" dress I am wearing. I smile and say, "thanks it's actually from the maternity section!" and she replies with, "oh, well CONGRATULATIONS!!" in front of like five people.. I mean seriously. I have to reiterate and repeat that I am in fact not pregnant and just so happened to purchase this damn dress from the maternity section of Old Navy. Great. Awesome.
4:00pm-Sulk in bed again. Listen to angsty music. Amy rubs my back.
5:00pm-ELLEN! Not miserable.
5:45pm-Caf dinner with Chelsea. Lovely.

This is basically my terrible no good very bad day. In hindsight it doesn't seem too dismal, but I think what made it worse is that I have felt bad all day. Like I have been watching my day happen but I am not really in the present moment. I rushed through everything today with shaky hands and a racing mind. This doesn't happen. Probably the lack of caffeine. And I feel like I haven't eaten a lot of protein lately. Who knows. Just shaky and racy. It's so strange. I calmed down this evening though. Gah.


Summer needs to hurry up.

Home Is Where The _________ Is.

Is my home made by the amount of love or care I put into a place? A person? God?

Home is where the heart is.
Home is where you wake up in the morning.
Home is where the coffee is made.
Home is where you want to return at the end of the day.
Home is where you are safe.

I lived in the same place for 18 years. Asheville. Mountains. Home.
I fell back in love with this place over this past weekend.

Then I went away. To a place I've been for three years.

A place that feels like home too. Wingate. Flatland. Home.
I love it, but need to return to that "love". Whatever love it may be.

This summer my home will be a college dorm for two months. In two different states.

If they say not all who wander are lost, then why does this concept of home/homeless drive me up the wall if I think about it too much?

I didn't start to think of Wingate as home until my sophomore year. When my mother would correct me by saying, "This is your home." when I would say "Okay, I'm going to head back home now."

Or I'll text my friends from Wingate to ask when they're coming home. Is this your home, friends?

Sometimes the place I feel the most at home is on the road in my green Saturn listening to music I love and drinking coffee that is delicious. In the in-between. With the sky above, the trees whipping by, and hours a head of me to think and worry and love.

So maybe, for me at least, my home is just this beautiful Creation I have been given the opportunity to be apart of. Enjoying all aspects of it. The moutains, the flatlands, the green, the brown, the city, the town, the blood family, the bonded family. I love it all.

No building, town, or city has to define me.

I'm from Earth. God's Creation. Population 6.something billion. I have 6.something brothers and sister and one Father. He holds all 6.something billion of us; providing, loving, saving, redeeming.
Home looks like THIS from far away and you can read a quote about it from Carl Sagan HERE.