mid morning coffee talk (via text).

On life, experiences, and the beautiful melancholy of it all:

"Sometimes that's what paying attention does to people. But embrace that shit.
That's life in all its greatness."

-ES. (you need to blog. for my sake.)





---

side note:

New Years Eve will be spent with good friends and these boys. Thank the Lord.

and yes you're in my head, but that doesn't make you here.

it is 3am on Christmas Eve morning and i am...still awake?





this isn't real. has an entire year really passed by? have i really just sat here listening to music and reading old blog entries - realizing how idiotic and oblivious i have completely been to everything happening around me for my entire life?

i am awake now. i am awake. i am awake.

but no one else is (except for win and regine, but they don't count at this point).
no one else is awake and i have no one to talk to.


they were right when they wrote "i like cars more than telephones."
i could take it one step further and say that "i like phone calls more than text messages."

but cars and telephones. i'm willing to take this drive, but i don't know if anyone else is. or if they are ready for me to show up there. or if anyone is willing to meet halfway.

to cry and to laugh and to cry some more until we reach the point where we can't even tell it apart anymore.
to embrace and not let go because its so comforting and so needed and so real.
to scream from rooftops that God is big and that life is normal and that people are beautiful and that we know a Love worth screaming about.

give me your heart to drive to and i will take that trip. make me need to.
my gps guiding me in the moonlight.

finding my way back to you.

homemade chai and good music.
God, i love having nothing important to do.

winter blues and greens and purples.

it isn't until i return home that i feel like i never really even left.
but i hate being here when it is so cold.
i don't want to get out of bed or see anyone.
and for that, i apologize.


i come to this place and it is cold.
the floor is cold.
the air is cold.
my feet are cold.

outside everything looks dead and for some reason i enjoy that.

i enjoy riding in the car.
sitting in the lamp light.
hearing the sounds and thinking the thoughts.

i think it's okay to be a little melancholy during this season of Christmas.
i can give and give until i am blue in the face, but what satisfaction does that bring in return? how does feeling broke at the end of the 'most wonderful time of year' even make sense? i told my mother not to even bother with buying me anything. having my family around is a lot better than objects that will temporarily make me happy. i told my aunts and uncles the same thing...one of them donated money in my name to an organization that helps sexually abused children in alabama.. the others bought me things. things are nice, don't get me wrong. but so, so temporary. but i am grateful for each gift - the donation and the things.
i guess it's just that people like seeing people be happy. but is it because you secretly want to feel good about yourself knowing you caused this person to feel this way because you spent X-amount of money on a gift they will forgot you gave them in a month?
why can't we just cook a meal, rub eachother's backs and just BE?

i guess i am guilty of all this too... i like seeing the people i love smile. i can count eight people i want to see smile this Christmas time. myself included. do they know that i love them? have i verbally told them today? yes to some. no to most.


i can be a little sad, but there is an overlaying theme of Joy.
i can take heart in knowing that a Savior was born.
but then i mourn the imminent death that of that same Savior that was undeserving of him. i am undeserving of that death.

but i can rejoice that there is Life.
there is Life in the Birth and there is Life in the Death.

there is Life in the frozen trees out my window.
there is Life in the birds that fly to warmer winters.

there is Life all around, it just sometimes hides for a little while.
my Joy is apparent - i can feel it from the depths of my heart to the tips of my toes.
i know the Love that i have been given. a Love that came with a small birth and a great sacrifice.
i know my actions and words and surface to not always reflect the Joy that i have.
but it is there.

it is Alive.




a new year is on the horizon.

and i don't want to go into something new feeling how i do now.


New emerges from old.
there is Life, even in death.
there is Warmth, even in the coldest winter.

ww + sp + w = words.

if the sun never fades,
and if the planets never align.

and if the moon keeps in its rotation about the earth;
even so, and if not more, will
i never cease to shine on you,

or fall into your rows,
or end this dizzying spiral i float in:

and i just keep spinning
and spinning
and spinning

until i come into you.

the garden.

there are things i'll never understand. and maybe i'm just not meant to.

one thing i will never understand is Peace.

Peace of mind.
Peace of heart.
Peace of soul.


the Peace of God.




the Love i've been looking for has been around all along.


it was planted by God, tilled by words, watered with tears, and has grown into something more Beautiful then i ever even dreamed to be possible.


there is Hope, Peace, Joy.

all three things i am finding myself re-experiencing right now, which is appropriate for this season of advent.


and at the center of all things is Christ.



i can't understand it. i don't want to understand it. really.






i just want to stand in the Son, feel the warmth, and keep growing.

lookin for my radio.

i have come to realize in my short 21 years that people will always let you down. regardless of how wonderful, incredible, or amazing they appear to be. no matter how much of yourself you give; no matter how much love you have inside of yourself, its always possible to be let down..for things to not play out how you think and know they should. no matter how good and great things could be.

it's hard to remember that i shouldn't put my Hope into people and worldly things, but they are the things that are tangible, the things i see daily, the things i can reach out and touch. the things that promise fulfillment, no matter how temporary.

no matter how much i give and give and give and give and give.

i really can only rely on four people, completely..

the first being God. though God really isn't a person. God's the one who has got my back constantly, that will be there for me when i need Love, when i feel helpless. God will be the one to really love me unconditionally, in the way i hope and try to Love others. God's love is something that can't be described and can't be explained by me.. but i know that i have drifted from this Love, i have been searching so hard to make situations work, that i have forgotten that God granted me the situations in the first place. God explains to me how God feels through words, through songs, through a breeze outside, through the realizations sent to me. God just doesn't let it go. God sticks with me and encourages me, no matter how trying I may be sometimes. and regardless of anything, God always Loves me.

so this is me dealing with it. this is me trying to figure out how to go and how to move on from this pit that i have found myself in. people fall short, fall through, and forget. and if we're honest, most people just seem to only care about themselves. but i try not to live my life like that. i try to live by giving the most i can for the people i care the most about, even though they fail to see it.

i AM capable of Love. i have found it in Christ.
i know i am able to give it until it hurts. because it does now and it has in the past. and i think that it is something that just always may happen.
maybe i am just not as ready as i thought i was to give it to someone else.

the other three people i know that i can unconditionally rely on are these three:



love is big.

break through.

i want to love.

love to the capacity i know my heart is capable of.

it is filled with God and it is ready to show it.


i have this thing for you,
and it is me.

your hand in mine.

feelings.
emotions.

if i could put them into the right words, then i would.
if i could formulate the correct sentences to flow from my lips, then i would.
if i could write a page without a thousand scribbles on it, then i would.
if i could sing it, i would sing it loud and endlessly.
if i didn't beat around the bush.
if i could make it sound half as good as it feels sometimes.
i could send it in a letter. i could say it a loud.
if i could figure out the way to verbally express how i feel from the tips of toes to the nails on my fingers to the hairs on my head all the way to the center of my heart to the air in my lungs to the length of my spine, then i would.

your hand in mine.



music makes me feel and love makes me sick.

i would be sad.

autumn colors are here.

they are vibrant. they are beautiful.

i wish that my eyeballs were hooked up to video cameras that were able to project onto television screens and in movie theaters. there is no way i can describe the way the blue ridge mountains impale their peaks so wonderfully into the bright blue sky. i can't tell you how a rusted, silver guardrail lines the median of a highway, overgrown with tall yellowing grass. or how the reds and greens and oranges and yellows and whatever other color you can see in the trees make the roads to homes somewhere i want to be for forever. on the road. forever. seeing Creation. experiencing beauty.

these are only things i can explain to you; things i can only write about.
and so, i will write to you. pages upon pages.
i wish i could show you these things so you could understand.
i wish you would be with me when i see them.
i wish you could see.

autumn is here. it is crisp. it is sweet. it is precious. it is brisk.

things these colors have taught me:
-seeing love expressed it so beautiful. especially when it is so easy. and just another day.
and whole.
-it is hard to hear the truth.
-it is easy to tell the truth.
-the truth is hardest to hear when coming from someone you love.
-the truth is hardest to hear when you've known it was the truth all along, but have believed the lie.
-the truth is inevitable.
-Hope will always prevail.

i don't want to think about these colors soon fading.
winter will soon come. it is always around the corner.

i don't know where i want to be anymore.

for now i will sit, wait, and wish to jump into these colors as they fall to the ground.

will you rake them for me?

long ride home.

it's hard to love so much and not receive it right back.

in all aspects of all my relationships.

i feel like i give a lot. but to no avail.

to nights alone. to time spent wondering.

it's too hard.

i have a lot of expectations for myself that i seem to of fallen short on.

what about me isn't enough?

in between.

today i have realized that without God, i really have nothing.

once you feel it, it's something you can't turn away from.

i am in the middle of being born and being dead. i am full of life. i am full of Life. i am in this world to cause a stir, to be something different, to proclaim Truth. i am the trapeze swinger who has let go of the first bar. i am flying in the air, ready to catch and hold onto the next bar. this air is full of mystery, full of Love, full of exhilaration, full of anxiety, and full of Hope. i am an instrument used only to proclaim the Truth i so much believe and identify in.

God can use me for big things. that's the only thing that makes sense right now.

God is good.

from Psalm 70:

"but as for me, i will always have Hope;

i will praise You more and more.

my mouth will tell of Your righteousness,

of Your salvation all day long,

though i know not its measure.

i will come and proclaim Your mighty acts,

O Sovereign Lord;

i will proclaim Your righteousness, Yours alone.

since my youth, O God, You have taught me,

and to this day i declare Your marvelous deeds.

even when i am old and gray,

do not forsake me, O God,

till i declare Your power to the next generation,

Your might to all who are to come."

sticky notes.

today i heard a phrase that was sticky note worthy. you know, sticky notes. the things you write down important things on. ever since my freshman year, my cork board above my desk ends up looking like inspiring words threw up on it...spreading to the surrounding wall, staying up by using tape.

it's nice to look up from the computer from time to time and see things that stood out to me and became engrained into my soul at one point or another. usually a quote from someone i like, something a friend would say, a poem, a verse from the bible, or just a thought i may have.

today i went to church. i was going somewhere i was totally judging before i even walked into the door. mega churches. you know the type. the ones where everyone carries around their coffee and there is a lot more flannel than you'd ever think to see in your life. the mood was set just right by the lighting, fabric covering the walls, and the flannel. the worship leader was david crowder-esque but from the moment he began singing 'your love is strong' by jon foreman followed by steve fee's rendition of 'jesus paid it all' i knew i had found something i liked.

the message was decent and i think i agreed with most everything that the pastor said. but this guy leading worship was just incredible. pretty much the passion of tim scroggs except for singing to God and being an instrument for others to follow.

the most prevalent thing that i remember hearing from the whole service is:

"if it's true, then it changes everything."

this phrase has been looping over and over again in my brain ever since i heard it. it's all i could think about while driving back to Wingate today. i cried for a long time because my heart was just content and overwhelmed at the same time by it.

if God is true, then God changes everything.

God changes everything about me, about my future, about my world, about my love, about my situations, about my everything. i should be so engulfed with God in my heart, mind, soul, and body that the only thing that pours out of me is God. God changes everything about me. i know that God does. i literally feel a pull in my heart as i sit here typing these words.

God is infinite. God is marvelous.

God makes everything perfect and whole and real.

God makes me clean and bright and worthy of love.

God creates. God builds up. God gives.

God restores and redeems. God resurrects.

God is everything, God is in everything.

if it's true, then it changes everything.

it is sticky note worthy.

true things.

so there once was this dude named Moses.

and he one cool dude.

he was a shepherd, of all things.

a shepherd.

but God saw something different in Moses. something special. something useful.

and so God spoke to Moses. through a burning bush. on Holy ground.

what?!

and Moses says, "but who am i to do all this?"

and so i propose the same question. "who am i to do all this?" i'm just a college student. living here on a campus, where i am pushed and stretched and find no balance sometimes.

how was i chosen to receive a Love so fulfilling and unfailing?

(it's because i am worthy of Love so fulfilling and unfailing...among other things..)

so why is it that i let sleep overtake me when my soul, spirit, and body all long to be awake?

to be living? to be loving, serving, helping, guiding...

so i guess that i've just been sleeping most of my life. God's love has awakened me, but sometimes i find myself drifting off...what's going to spark it again?

am i content? am i settled? am i enough? am i spiritually aware enough to lead? to Love? to plan, prepare, and guide others? to be an example? the questions are endless and open-ended. and not knowing full answers makes me uneasy.

but i know that God equipped Moses with the things he needed.

(a hand, a staff, the Nile, and his brother. thanks, camp.)

and so i can't help but trust that God is going to provide me with that i need.

i read a quote today that i really enjoy. and i heard a song that i really like. and i read and thought about Moses a lot.

'those who have shaken off sleep eventually become all awake within.'

-CLEMENT OF ALEXANDRIA.

i hate that once things start to look on the brighter side, one small piece of information can just shoot it all out the window and make me slide backwards. where is this all going?

i want to be awake for the next 60+ years.

avoiding math homework.

to be in True unity in God is to be honest, forgiving, and above all, loving.

these three ideas seem so simple, yet i find myself, time and time again, forgetting about them.

isn't community the idea that i've heard and preached for the past four years? not just at wingate, but in the life of my home church as well? why do i find it so hard to live out this idea of unity that is so essential to the Church.

the Body of Christ is present on this campus. that is a fact that cannot be ignored or denied. it stirs my soul to think that the power of God is being shown and found here at this place. but i can't help but wonder if winning converts over loving the broken is something i agree with. sure, an eternal home in heaven sounds wonderful, and will be wonderful, but i'm not sure if that is my primary goal in my walk with God. i want to BE the literal hands and feet of Christ every place that i go. i want people to see a light in me that is unique and different because God created me to be that way. God calls me to love my neighbor. regardless of any sort of sin or wrong or crime or way of life they have. and especially regardless of anything theological differences i may have from them. because God is big enough to handle it. God's big enough to sort through all our differences of faith as long as we all agree on worshipping and loving the same big God.

so let's be honest. let's be forgiving. let's love.

let's spark conversation and not keep God pocked sized and convenient. let's realize that God is a lot bigger than a Book written thousands of years ago, nor is God confined to that Book. i'm not doubting the truth or validity to this Book, but God is so much bigger than rules and regulations and laws. God is present in our daily lives. God is still working, moving, and around us. God. is. BIG.

a wise friend of mine once said, "God is a common thread, keeping everything weaved together in this word; to hold things together; and [God] runs through all life forms of all universes"

God ultimately is Love. God weaves this patchwork quilt we call humanity together. God is the thread binding those who choose to believe, whether we like eachother or not.

i'm not saying i like you, i'm just saying that i Love you.

"As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

John 13:34-35

reflections.

i think i finally felt God last night for the first time in months.

i witnessed God and saw God moving and working a lot this summer, but i never did ever feel overwhelmed by or content in God's presence. i was fine being an instrument to serve but never myself felt stretched by God's love.

there is something about this place that i love to hate and hate to love. i suppose it is my sacred spot, being here at wingate. the place that i know, time and time again, i will always find God. whether in meaningful conversations late at night, the moon - full and hanging low, or the incredible, massive sky that stretches for miles and miles and miles. forever.

the Creator of the universe wants me to want him.

that is a good feeling.

morning thoughts from august 12th.

i want to be somewhere and feel insignificant.

i want to feel overwhelmed by the lights and tall buildings of a city.

or i want to be on top of a mountain witnessing the color of the change of day to night or night to morning.

i want to stand in the sea and hear the roaring noise - a noise so loud i can't hear myself think anymore.

i want to stand in pouring down rain and not worry about it.

to just be.

to be overwhelmed. and reminded there are things bigger than me. there are things like the city, sky, sea, and rain that can suffocate me if i let them. in reality i really am nothing.

i'm just a number, a colored in bubble.

i am just being. just a being.

how is it that i can feel like nothing and everything all at the same time?

infinite.. and fleeting.

boundless.. and confined.

hm.

a summer-ization

i guess now is the time i have to write in here the past three months.

i don't know where to begin. working camp was one of the best, most trying, difficult, inspirational, and confusing times of my life. for 8 weeks i lived in a community of people with the same job/goal as me: produce a good camp; let God use you so people can experience God; work with a team. all these things are positive. all of things were accomplished. all of these aspects were difficult as junk to accomplish though. there were definitely disagreements, tears, anger, frustration, and all other sort of roadblocks. but overall, looking back, camp was a good experience. i grew to know and love 13+ staff members in an environment that will never happen again. our experiences were unique, and that's one of the best and hardest parts of the whole thing. i know that if i want to work camp again, it's not going to be the same as this past year. the people, places, everything will be different. i know that this is my own fear of comfortability and change coming through, but still.

i guess i had fun. i know i had fun. even with all the bad parts. it made our camp 'our camp'. our experience unique.

now i begin another time that i fear will come to an end just as quickly as passport did. for this my heart aches for time to slow down. give me time to rest, give me space to be. exist. be with people i love. learning. loving. sharing. thinking. feeling. trusting. being. living.

living.

i want to live.

to close, the song that best reminds me of the summer:

i promise.

i will be back soon.

give me just a little bit more time.

i promise it will be worth the wait.

so cool. part 2.

“To his own hurt, Jesus, chose to be a part of our world. Why would we pretend that we don’t bring all our love, loss, and insecurity with us into the conversations we call ‘worship’? After all, we don’t serve a God who is unacquainted with grief. He is not surprised by or even unfamiliar with the darkness that can plague a human heart. In fact, he specializes at dealing with that sort of thing.”

- John Mark McMillan, on resurrection and the Medicine.

I mean, are you convinced yet?

Last day in Asheville before heading out tomorrow. So much going on in my head and heart.

Overwhelmed.

so cool.

i may be slightly slightly fanatical about jmm, but come on. he's so cool. i've heard/seen him do this little diddy a few times at some worship services, but this is by far my favorite i've heard.

John Mark McMillan in Uganda with Compassion International from Artists With Compassion on Vimeo

camp in two days! the packing has begun.

stoked, nervous, excited, and a tid bit sad about leaving the fam.

"Lift up your heads, O you gates; be lifted up, you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in.

Who is this King of glory? The Lord strong and mighty, the Lord mighty in battle.

Lift up your heads, O you gates; lift them up, you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in.

Who is he, this King of glory? The Lord Almighty, he is the King of glory." Psalm 24:7-10

as of late.

recently i've been having dreams about school and people at school in situations at school. i don't consider my dreams prophetic in any sense of the word but i mean: i'll take wishful dreaming over wishful thinking any day.

i'm glad that the passport countdown is finally on the downward slope. four days from the time i am typing this blog. it's great that it is finally here, but still so nerve-wracking and overwhelming. i was out doing something the other day and i realized that it is what i am supposed to be doing. i am supposed to be going back to some of the basics of my faith. i need to be reminded to have a child-like faith again. don't get me wrong, i love discussing all the intellectual and complexities of God, but that's really all i have been doing lately. i haven't been reminding myself of his goodness. i am just excited about what this entire experience is going to be. excited and nervous as poo. i've yet to begin the packing process, but that will come soon enough. i was able to find some cool overalls from goodwill and a killer, vintage 60s dress from ragtime downtown. score on being the hippest kid at camp.

i don't know really know what God is preparing me for, but i can't deny the things he is teaching me. my brain is being stretched and expanded more and more every day as i read, think, learn, and hear about things going on in the local church and the Church. it's making me appreciate the fellowships i have been apart of. and making me realize what kind of fellowship i want to be apart of in the future. hm.

i'm going to be barefoot all summer. this is a good thing. i mean literally. i'm going to be stripping myself down to the basics. no shoes. just faith. faith that i won't step on anything too sharp or painful.

Under Falling Skies.

After The Enemy Lovers music video premier a few weeks ago, the band played some unrecorded, unreleased music. It was all fantastic. Honestly. It was. I really enjoyed this particular one, and was lucky enough to find this rare gem on the band's youtube channel. If you are reading this blog then listen to this song. The guys talk over it a bit and give some background, but other than that, it's a rough demo with some sweet lip-syncing and travel footage.

Homegrown and awesome.

Most of the music in my itunes is alternative.

I'm finding that I do enjoy being alone.

At Wingate it's hard to find time to just sit and be me. To listen to my music, think my own thoughts, and not have to talk. Sometimes at the beginning of each day I would pray for time to be alone. Even just for ten minutes. I was so busy from 8am-10 and 11pm some nights as soon as I got in I would want to be locked up in my room cut off my from any and everyone. Or most any and everyone, at least.


I'm treasuring this time because I know that in a few short weeks, my mornings/noons/afternoons/twilights/evenings/nights will be filled with preteens and teens. I'm going to love it, but I pray that for my own sanity's sake, God will provide a few minutes for me to recharge and listen to some alternative music.

Art is good to make when you are alone.
You can listen to whatever music you prefer, old and new.
You can use lamps and windows instead of overhead lighting.
You can write what you want to write.
I can drink coffee at four thirty in the afternoon.
God can speak to you, you can speak to God without interference.


I like this.

I've Said It Once And I'll Say It Until The Day I Die.

I love Asheville.

Coffee Shop Confessions.

So. Here I sit in Copa Vida Coffee in Durham, North Carolina. Sipping on coffee (real coffee, mind you. none of this frilly, syrupy junk). Writing a blog. On a wobbly table. Wearing a denim shirt. JJ Heller is playing overhead in the background.. I mean if that doesn't scream scene hipster I fail at living right now.

I am glad I am here. And by 'here' I don't physically mean Copa Vida Coffee in Durham, North Carolina. I mean 'here' as in living. As in being awake to see life happen. I feel like I lived the latter part of this past semester asleep. I made myself blind and numb to actually what was going on around me. I was doing my day-to-day just fine, but that's all it was. Just day-to-day and just fine. There was nothing to arouse my slumbering heart out of it's deep sleep. Everything has been surface. Nothing deep. Sure, some intense things happened. I could go on and on and on about the anxiety and worry I have felt, but I think that those are the only emotions I have felt lately.

I've made myself numb to the things really happening in my life. I have been blind to the fact that some relationships fail, no matter how hard you try to pretend they're not. I have turned a cold shoulder to medical and health problems, making them small then they really should be. I didn't embrace my friends, some of which I will not see for a very long time. I just ran (or drove, rather) off into the sunset with the mountains calling my name.

I have drifted from God, and have put up a facade, making everything look okay. The truth is that I am scared of God, which is okay, I think. Though He's the forefront of my mind and a lot of my daily and weekly activity, I have focused more on His relationship with the people around me rather than my own personal, intimate relationship with him.. I criticize how other people focus on God rather than looking into myself to see the roots of my struggles.

I just do not want to be fake to God, because He can see right through it. And I don't want to be fake to other people about God, because though they can't see through it, I know it's fake. And I have been swimming in a sea of fake for months now. I know that God is good and real, but I'm not focusing on Him the way I need to be. I'm not reading or singing or praying in the ways that my heart really longs to do. I have been to worried about discussing the scientific version of God rather than the natural, real aspect of God. I have this mindset that once I start Passport things will become different; that things will be set into place and perspective for me. But the truth of the matter is that I need to get straight before that can happen.

What is holding me back from really, truly being Free in Christ?

I know it hasn't even been 48hours since I left Wingate, but I guess I was expecting some great sense of Peace to wash over me the second I drove off of campus. That hasn't happened yet. I'm still waiting for it to. Revleation will come soon enough.




--

In other news, a few things I've thought of over the past few days:
-I am officially a senior in college. wth.
-I hope to be one of those moms that brings her kids to cool coffee shops to do their homework in the afternoon. My kid can wear camo shorts and a Pokemon shirt if he wants to. And my daughter will try coffee and like it.
-Moms are cool.
-I like visiting old people I have seen in a long time because they will always boost your self-esteem. They will tell you are 'so, so pretty' and 'so, so ambitious'.
-Old people will say things that will make you intensely worry about your future.
-As I sit here, it makes me realize how cool it would be to have my own cafe, so I guess I'd like to do that. Except I won't play college university a capella music.
-It's summer and it's freezing! wth!

i & love & you.

Leaving Wingate this year is bittersweet.

At the end of each school year, I have just felt this immense sense of relief. Like a billion pounds of stress have been lifted off my back and replaced with the warmth of summer sun. I feel that this year too. Everything has built and built and I don't know how to put everything I am thinking right now it a creative, metaphoric manner that will not disappoint or hurt anyone's feelings who might happen to read this. So I'm going to do my best.



The bitter:
*I have friends graduating. That will be real adults. Living a real life that isn't kept safe by brick academic buildings or an intensely intimidating campus safety team. I feel for them. I am going to be in their shoes in a year. Hopefully. If I pass Spanish this go around.
*I am going away all summer. I will be with no one familiar. No one who knows me, my situations. or my life.
*I'm not going to see my best friends everyday.



The sweet:
*I am going to groowwww this summer.
*I am going away all summer. I will be with no one familiar. No one who knows me, my situations of life.
*This year has gone completely opposite of what I thought it was going to be. It needs to be over for the sake of my entire being.
*Going to be in a 2 person apt next year. That. Is. Sweet.

I feel like everything that could have gone wrong this year did go wrong. Murphy's Law. I mean, nothing terrible happened, really. Just things didn't go as I thought they were going to. The end of sophomore year was so straining that I thought for sure the beginning of Junior year would begin without a hitch.. The strain just ended up spreading itself out and wore me thin from the get-go. I tried to persevere. And I have mostly been successful in doing so up until the past few months.

I have the tendency of distancing myself from people I love when I know a "goodbye" is near. It has always happened. This is no different. I feel my heart pulling away from people already because I'm being cautious of my emotions. I'm sorry for those of you receiving the brunt of this distancing, but its my normal thing. It's weird. I know. Deal with it.

Packing up this room is a relief. I keep finding memories that have been hidden away in bookshelves, closets, letters, notes, and books. This year ending is a relief. Don't get me wrong, I am sad about it. But so, so so relieved.

I am praying with every ounce of my being that next year is completely different.

Normally Spring is associated with renewal and rebirth, but I am thinking that for 2010, those changes will come in the summer.

This song is about leaving, and thats what I intend to do.

Beside Still Waters.

This place is wearing me thin.

I still have a week and half left. With four exams in between. And graduation.
And leaving lots of people I love.

I have reached that point of enough. I've had enough of Wingate for now. I love this place but I am ready to move on to summer. To something new. To something unfamiliar. Something far away. Something that is so intimidating and scary but I long just to be there. Barefoot.

My mind is racing a thousand miles per minute.
My heart is beating out of my chest.

I don't remember how to pray right now because I don't know how to make the sentences I want to say to God. I don't know what I need to be praying for. I don't know how to remind myself that earthly things are temporary and that Godly things are eternal. My body longs for things and my heart yearns for others and still my mind tells me what it thinks is best. I don't know what my spirit is telling me.

I don't want anyone to talk.
I just need peace of mind, body, soul, and heart.
I need quiet.

I know that God is big and that God is wonderful and good and Love.
I know that I know that I know that.
But I'm not seeing or feeling it.
Should there be such a huge difference between knowing it and feeling it?

I'm not meaning to be moody and mean. It's just how I'm gonna be probably until something happens. Or until I leave here.

I need to listen like David listened.
Beside still waters, down paths of righteousness.
Leading to green pastures.


"My heart is not proud, O Lord,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel Sarah, put your hope in the Lord
both now and forevermore."
Psalm 131.

Monday Morning Haiku.

You used your clean blood.
i will use my hair and my
alabaster jar.

Everything's Not Lost.

Chris Martin sings my life.

"now i never meant to do you wrong,
that's what i came here to say.
but if i was wrong then i'm sorry
but don’t let it stand in our way.
'cause my head just aches
when i think of the things
i shouldn’t have done
but life is for living,
we all know,
and i don’t want to live it alone."

So.

I mean, I guess I could write about the weather.

I Have Phnom Philm In My Nose.

Recently has been good. I went away to the beach this past weekend with my two best friends. It was lovely, indeed. The beach is a good place to renew and remind and recharge and refresh, even if you don't go onto the beach for more than an hour. Just the quiet, lazy, laid back atmosphere is enough to make you feel good. Anyway. I had the bright idea to bring a notebook with us in the car, which turned into Kyle and I's "notebook of adventure" or "thoughts notebook". Regardless of what we want to call it, it's funny. Anyway, a few excerpts that really capture the weekend. I'm not going to tell which of us this is coming from. It makes it more fun that way.

-

"This is dumb. 3 freaking girls & me. They're talking about swimsuits. Lame. Chelsea cuts Travis' netting out of his. Cute. Ouch. Freaking yellow car."
"Kyle thinks he's a child of God but I'm pretty sure his mom's name is Tammy..."
"Is it wrong that I keep thinking about my English teacher eating a strawberry? Oh well."
"Claire now has on a black cardigan on. I'm still holding in strong in a t-shirt b/c I may be having a heatstroke."
"If I had to think of one word to describe this roadtrip...it would probably be: permeable. Ok, cool."
"Sarah's feet are on the dash, the sun is beginning to set & things R abt 2 get CRAZIE!! :)"
"Chelsea said I'm not allowed to touch Travis."
"Yes Finally Even 2:2. Ha! N-E-WAY We just played a round of creepy hand pound fist-jellyfish-turkey-bra."
"If this were a video game that guy would be dead. Swerve first, look later. I am pretty sure Keri wants to sit in the middle and lean to the left round the curve. Yea he'd be cool if it was '87-'92!"
"I can't see what I am doing. (thats what she said) its so quiet in here I wish someone would say something but if I said something it would probably be in appropriate."
"Jesus forgives! & loves he desires intamacy with us his Children. Chelsea and Sarah are gifts from God to me. Lord please bless them. They are cool & loving. & I shout out to God with a voice of triumph! Lord you Reign! Okay I Love you dude!"
"Keri dresses really cool and Travis is cool too except we're having to listen to country muzik. I guess I can handle it for now but maybe not forever. I'm pretty sure country music is of the devil and the only thing you hear in Hell is Randy Travis and Martina McBride. 24/7."
"We R @ South Port & now we R Not. L8R!"
"Sunday or Sonday yo! I need some coffey bruh! We R on the Way to Port City Church...yeah it is going to be awesome...wow time flies. CRAZY."
"Now we are going to see the beach. w00t. "
"We went 2 buy a dern kite but they were >$14.00. Ripoff! We are blocks from the shore. I like the atmosphere...sandals...barefeet...shades...cool beach houses & JMM in the background. God is good and cool."
"I want to be in a redneck yatch club...only red for a little while then tan-neck since I'll always be on the water. And fishing poles. AND a Corona. Then I'd be set. Okay, thanks."
"it is a-okay to wear a cardigan @ the beach. even when it is sunny outside."
"I wonder what it would be like to be a flower petal. Not the whole flower just the petal. I just sure hope she'd love me not. Because after all it sure would be difficult dating a flower petal."
"74 is my least favorite road. but its the road that connects three places that i love. ironic."
"sometimes when people who are not sexy at all try to act sexy, it does not make them sexy but really just makes everyone else feel uncomfortable."
"I do not CARE what anyone says I AM the Greatest Man on Earth."
"i like the beach. i like God. i like coming home. i like it. living."

-

okay is it summer yet?

:)

Away We Go is in my top five favorite movies and I love this song.

Home Is Where The ________ Is 2.

My mother said that home is wherever she is.

I guess thats the only answer I need right now.


Thanks, mom.

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

I typically try not to make this blog full of complaints. And I don't even really ever blog about my daily happenings, but today was so bad that I feel like I just need to document it. This blog will be even funnier than the fifty times I told all these stories today because the NyQuil is beginning to take effect on my sanity and eyelids for the night.

A Timeline of Today's Events:

8am-Woke up crusty. And sweaty. I am going to be blunt here. Crusty from the snot hardened onto my nose from a night of runny nose fun.
8:45am-Out of the shower. Spill contact solution all over myself.
8:50am-While applying my powder foundation, I somehow manage to spill the majority of the container all over the floor.
9:45am-Breakfast with Chelsea in the cafeteria. Not good coffee. At all.
10:30am-Counseling class. No caffeine. Outside for our lab. Enduring the heat and pollen. Dying.
12pm-1:30pm- ResLife. Miserable. No air conditioning. No caffeine. No business.
1:30pm-Test in Family Problems that was pretty easy. Still no caffeine. Got out early.
2pm-Go back to apt before Spanish. Vacuum up spilt make up this morning.
2:10pm-Find Cheerwine in fridge. CAFFEINE! Mange to spill it ALL OVER my bedroom. It was all over my dress, all over my hair, all over the carpet. All over everything. Red. Everywhere.
2:12pm-Begin the clean up process. Miserable.
2:25pm-Sulk in bed before going to Spanish.
3:00pm-Spanish class. Miserable. Terrible. I hate this class.
3:45pm-Get out of Spanish early (woo!) My teacher compliments my "lovely" dress I am wearing. I smile and say, "thanks it's actually from the maternity section!" and she replies with, "oh, well CONGRATULATIONS!!" in front of like five people.. I mean seriously. I have to reiterate and repeat that I am in fact not pregnant and just so happened to purchase this damn dress from the maternity section of Old Navy. Great. Awesome.
4:00pm-Sulk in bed again. Listen to angsty music. Amy rubs my back.
5:00pm-ELLEN! Not miserable.
5:45pm-Caf dinner with Chelsea. Lovely.

This is basically my terrible no good very bad day. In hindsight it doesn't seem too dismal, but I think what made it worse is that I have felt bad all day. Like I have been watching my day happen but I am not really in the present moment. I rushed through everything today with shaky hands and a racing mind. This doesn't happen. Probably the lack of caffeine. And I feel like I haven't eaten a lot of protein lately. Who knows. Just shaky and racy. It's so strange. I calmed down this evening though. Gah.


Summer needs to hurry up.

Home Is Where The _________ Is.

Is my home made by the amount of love or care I put into a place? A person? God?

Home is where the heart is.
Home is where you wake up in the morning.
Home is where the coffee is made.
Home is where you want to return at the end of the day.
Home is where you are safe.

I lived in the same place for 18 years. Asheville. Mountains. Home.
I fell back in love with this place over this past weekend.

Then I went away. To a place I've been for three years.

A place that feels like home too. Wingate. Flatland. Home.
I love it, but need to return to that "love". Whatever love it may be.

This summer my home will be a college dorm for two months. In two different states.

If they say not all who wander are lost, then why does this concept of home/homeless drive me up the wall if I think about it too much?

I didn't start to think of Wingate as home until my sophomore year. When my mother would correct me by saying, "This is your home." when I would say "Okay, I'm going to head back home now."

Or I'll text my friends from Wingate to ask when they're coming home. Is this your home, friends?

Sometimes the place I feel the most at home is on the road in my green Saturn listening to music I love and drinking coffee that is delicious. In the in-between. With the sky above, the trees whipping by, and hours a head of me to think and worry and love.

So maybe, for me at least, my home is just this beautiful Creation I have been given the opportunity to be apart of. Enjoying all aspects of it. The moutains, the flatlands, the green, the brown, the city, the town, the blood family, the bonded family. I love it all.

No building, town, or city has to define me.

I'm from Earth. God's Creation. Population 6.something billion. I have 6.something brothers and sister and one Father. He holds all 6.something billion of us; providing, loving, saving, redeeming.
Home looks like THIS from far away and you can read a quote about it from Carl Sagan HERE.

let that be enough.

There's a definite break in my heart.

No, no, no. It hasn't come from any certain person or certain event in my life, it's always been there. Chances are, you sometimes feel it too.

I have a past, and a present. My heart is pulled towards each of them.
I have oodles of future opportunities. My heart is pulled all over the place.
I have two homes. My heart is pulled towards each of them.
I know right and wrong. My heart is pulled towards each of them.
I know God and I know the world. My heart is pulled towards each of them.
I know love and I know Love. My heart is pulled towards each of them.

There isn't anything better than God's Love.
There ISN'T anything better than God's Love.
There isn't ANYTHING better than God's Love.
There isn't anything BETTER than God's Love.
There isn't anything better than GOD's Love.
There isn't anything better than God's LOVE.

A love that never fails, never ends, and always proves itself to me though it doesn't have to.

Only one interview, three classes, one and a half hours of Residence Life, and a crossword puzzle stand in the way of me leaving home number two to go to home number one.

I am going to write about home next time. Remind me.

no other fount i know.

Resurrection is my favorite word.

I have to refrain from writing it all over my body during class.
It's written in all my notebooks over and over and over and over again.
This concept of resurrection will not leave my mind. I think about it all the time.

Why? It boggles my mind. How could one person die for billions upon billions of people. How could someone Love so much to diminish himself into a human form? From living life on high to walking the lowly earth - a tomb. How could someone die to save a people who completely don't even deserve it in the slightest?

It is the greatest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Someone perfect. Someone who didn't deserve to die. Standing in my place.

Death is defeated. It has no victory. I am alive. I am alive because of God sending Christ to earth - a tomb. I am alive because Christ overcame the grave and brought life to me.

Resurrection.
Resurrected.
Resurrect.

Dictionary.com defines it as "the act of rising from the dead" and "a rising again, as from decay, disuse; revival" and "a rising above mortality through the understanding of spiritual life as demonstrated by Jesus Christ."

I define it as Perfect, Unfailing Love overcoming the grave to save me from myself.



I love Easter. Not only because of the extra days off, but because of Resurrection.



"o, precious is the flow,
that makes me white as snow.
no other fount i know,
nothing but the blood of Jesus."

For The Sake Of The Blog..

I really don't have a lot to say.
Everything has sort of plateaued off right now.
Nothing exciting is moving for me,
but nothing is down in the dumps.

And that's okay?!!???
Yes. It is.

Just here.
Just living.
Just enjoying it.

Waiting for a change.
Waiting for summer.
Waiting for something secure.



At times I wish I were still naive like I was when I was in my younger days of high school.





I love this. (It's a link, click it.)

the days keep comin, they never fail ya.

there have only been two times in my life when i thought i was really dying.

one of those instances happen last summer when i was violently awoken by the loudest truck i have ever heard outside my window while staying at mars hill college one week. i thought it was the end of the world and Jesus was coming back and so i wanted to be prepared and ready and was seconds away from waking up jordan until i realized it was a truck. and i was in bed. and everything was normal..

the second time occurred at the beginning of last semester.
i'm a junior. living in the wonderful, beautiful, and much desired jefferson apartment building. there is a train that runs through campus. again, i was violently awoken by the loudest noise, even louder than the truck, and i again thought it was the end of the world and i had to get up and see what was going on. then i realized it was the train. and everything was normal..

i still am not used to the train.
three years and it still startles me. during the day it's just regular background noise. but once the sun goes down is a different story. nights in jefferson are awful. the past month and a half has been the worst. i don't fall asleep until way after i get in bed most nights. i lay awake night pondering, thinking, debating, praying, and listening to that damned train. it get louder every night, i swear.

it is nice to listen to local music because, often times, i know the place or thing they are singing and writing about. it's nice when someone with better musical capabilities/lyrics/thoughts can portray how you are feeling.

i know.
i know. i know, i know.

i talk about john mark mcmillan too much.

but.

my time here is ending.
i've expanded my mind here.
i think too much.
i hear that train so much.

we've almost become an odd-sort of friends because i expect it every night. it's comforting that there is something steady going on constantly at night when all the world is asleep except for me and i am debating my entire life's purpose.

what will keep me up when i leave here?


and it's nice when it reminds me of these words.




"i think about you late at night
sometimes when i can't sleep,
and i can hear the train.
it's always there,
you just don't know it til a quarter to three,
you just can't hear it in the day."

Today Will Be Better, I Swear!

i'm a roller coaster.
i am a boat being tossed around a turbulent sea in the dark with rain pouring down all around.

when asked who he was, God replied, "I AM WHO I AM."

i think this is a good response for myself. except in all lower case. and i am not God.
but.

i am human.
i am vulnerable.
i am messed up.
i am incomplete.
i am a failure.
i am loved.
i am forgiven.
i am resurrected.
i am redeemed.
i am.

i am who i am.
i am what my past has made me.
i am what i have learned from my life.
i am striving to be the person God has created me to be.

i am waiting for life to begin even though i know it's well on it's way.
i am sad.
i am happy.
i am content.

i am a bird struggling to stretch my wings and breathe fresh air.
i am timid about my wings not being strong enough to carry me through.


i am what i am because HE IS WHO HE IS.

I Was A Kaleidoscope.

I learned in one of my super awesome psychology classes last semester that most things that happen in life are random. Coincidence. That there aren't cosmic wavelengths aligning themselves with your life. Like if the person you were thinking about texts you, it's just by chance. It isn't a sort of fate or destiny. Or if you happen to be in the exact right place at the exact right time and you win a Wii, that just means you were lucky.

It may all be chance or a lucky instant in your life, but when my iTunes picks out a soundtrack that describes my feelings/thoughts/emotions/everythings perfectly one day, I can't help but wonder... maybe there IS something lurking around. Making sure. Keeping watch over me.


Regardless, thank you, iTunes, for making this a Death Cab day.






"with your hand on my shoulders,
a meaningless movement, a movie script ending,
and the patrons are leaving, leaving...

now we all know the words were true in the sappiest songs.
i'll put them to bed, but they won't sleep,
they're just shuffling the sheets, they toss and turn,
you can't begin to get it back."

turnthisbacktowardsYou.

I don't have anything else really to say.

I Never Thought It Would Come To This But This Is The "Disclaimer."

Truth be told, I've been weary of updating my blog recently.

Not because of lack of time or thoughts to write, but because I know now that I have an audience other than my twenty followers who deliberately check this blog. I was informed over Spring Break that my mother gave out the link to my blog to various people at church, including people from her Sunday School class. Wow. Women who have impacted my life and my walk with Christ are not only now my Facebook friends, but also reading my blog. Truth be told again, I was a bit upset when my mother informed me of this recent development. I have seriously considered in the past week of getting rid of various posts from my blog, intensely editing my words, or deleting the entire thing all together. We all remember how vicious people from my church were when Myspace first came along and some of us in the youth group made innocent pages. That was then. Probably six or seven years ago if I'm remembering correctly.

That being said:

I'm not apologizing for anything anyone reads in this blog that may or may not come off as inappropriate, immature, wrong, or anything else negative. These are my thoughts, my feelings, my whatevers and you should consider it a privilege to be given access to the inside of my heart and mind and body and soul. I'm 21. I'm not living at home in a box. I'm freely thinking more than I have before in my entire life. I have doubts about myself, my life, and God. I struggle with things and that is completely normal. I'm not perfect. I'm not perfect. I am not perfect. I'm trying to live a life glorifying to Christ with this ridiculous mess I've been given to work with, and I don't always get it right. I don't want to lead a sugar-coated life. I was truth and honesty and realness. I never thought I would have to write something like this, and perhaps this is taking the entire thing a bit far, but I'm just considering it as a precaution. I know how much people can flip out when they find people aren't as perfect as you were lead to believe. I've had strange experiences in my short life that have made me what I have become. I serve a God who teaches me, molds me, and sometimes has to break me. That's okay. I accept it and whoever reading this should accept it as well. And chances are if I write something in my blog, I don't really want to talk about it in real life. This my own space to write what I think, and that sometimes means thinking it out for myself instead of talking it out with someone. I don't want to know if you read my blog the next time I'm home at church or what you thought of something I thought or said. Unless it's positive of course..

That went on entirely longer than I expected but perhaps it's for the best. If you're on here after my scripture spaces that I write for the school newspaper just contact me and I'll be happy to email it to you weekly because those don't end up in here all of the time.

Okay. /rant.

---

Anyway.

I'm going to be okay.


---

Thanks.

David & Jill.

No matter how hard I try or you try, someone will always be able to say it or word it better than we can. I'm decent with formulating my thoughts into blog-form, but there is always going to be someone who can describe things going on better than me. For this reason and this reason alone, I will always be quoting others. Get over it.

For instance:
David wrote elegant Psalms that display his love and longing for God, and I can barely get out a fragment some days.

This instance:
Jill Andrews sings about heart strings being pulled better than I could even begin to write it. So she can sing my blog for you right now. All you have to do is click play.

6.

Fact: Text messaging creates false intimacies.



(I have an unlimited plan.)

less than three.

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love, according to your great compassion."


In Proverbs it says to guard your heart because it is the wellspring of life.

Medically speaking:
Hearts are delicate.
Hearts are fragile.
Hearts pump life in to our bodies and give all of our other organs the blood necessary to function properly.
I learned last night that if a lacrosse ball hits you in the chest at the exact moment your heart is taking a beat, it will kill you dead.

Emotionally speaking:
Hearts are delicate.
Hearts are fragile.
Hearts pump love into our bodies and give us a sense of belonging and fulfillment necessary to function properly.

When hearts mess up, everything else gets messed up too.

You have to wait until they're fixed. Take medicine, exercise more, eat right.

But sometimes you need a new one all together.

A heart transplant isn't an easy one to endure, but often necessary for people because its the only way they'll be able to keep living this life that I think is so beautiful.

When hearts mess up, everything else gets messed up too.
You can't function properly. You can't think straight. You worry and become anxious about every little thing going on around you. You wonder if you're ever going to get fixed. Get right. It's more than a box of Cheerios can handle. You can joke about it, but I'm not sure if laughter is the best medicine or if it just makes matters worse all together.

But I do know.
That.
Hearts are the wellspring of life.
Sometimes our wells lose water for a while.
Sometimes we find a blip in the scan that we never knew was there.
But God is always there to pick up the pieces.
Mend the brokenness and ease the stress.

He WILL resurrect our hearts from despair.
He WILL restore the joy of his salvation.
He WILL time Spring Break at just the perfect time.
He WILL give us people to give and receive love.
He WILL give us songs and Psalms that fit how I feel about everything better than I put into words myself.


I can't deny God presence or my faith in Him when I keep reading and hearing and thinking and seeing how good He is just by waking me up in the morning and giving me music that reminds me of His power. But still. Sometimes it's okay to question and be disappointed and be weird and want to cry but can't. He WILL restore me.. I think He's just taking His time.

I read somewhere that love is patient so that's my story and I'm sticking to it.



'i am still running.
i am still running.
i am still running.
i am still running.

build me a home, inside Your scars.
build me a home, inside Your song.
build me a home, inside Your open arms.
the only place I ever will belong.'



"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore in me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me."
Psalm 51.


Create and restore, Lord. Create and restore.

It's So Easy To Throw Names Into Songs.

I still think all this going on is dumb, but I'm going to embrace and make the best of it. Everything's so complicated. Just meet halfway and it'll be easier. A birthday hug, that'd be enough.

However, I'm good. And I'm 21. And I'm in the single digit countdown to 30. Hm.

The Black Eyed Peas are the best ever in concert.

Shutter Island.

I've already declared I'm not a poet, and now I'll state that I am no film critic at all. But this one was too good not to blog about it.


So last night three friends and I ventured out to the local cinema to partake in the viewing of Martin Scorsese's latest film, Shutter Island. Upon seeing the trailer several times, I had really wanted to see it, but I think it is being marketed as being more of a 'scary' movie rather than a psychological mind/stomach roller coaster, which it totally was.

The film started out with Leonardo DiCaprio on a boat.

(We all know where this is heading. It's too easy to make Titanic jabs at him.)

From the moment Leo and Mark Ruffalo step off the ferry boat onto Shutter Island, this film does not stop once in taking you on a ride. There are so many twists and turns that its almost too much for your mind to take.

About an hour into the film, and I am being a bit prideful here, I figured out on of the major twists learned about at the end of the movie. But other than that one hitch figured up, the rest of the film was up in the air. Still, after meditating and discussing it with my friends afterwards, we're still not sure which scenes of the film were reality and which were delusion.

The action and drama in the film were very well done. Also the special effects were epic as well. This film was really good at going back and forth between the past and present; reality and delusion, and the help of special effects made that flow so graceful and eventful. Nice. Nice. Nice.

Okay, and as for the ending. What the heck. It came out of no where. I sat there for the last five minutes of the film with my mouth gaping wide and without blinking my eyes. It totally did not go the way you think it's going to. Just mind blowing. I want to see it again. I think it's a new favorite. Yes. Go see it, unresponsive readers of my blog. Now.

--

Anyway.
Tomorrow I turn 21.
Black Eyed Peas tonight.
Going to pick out a cool outfit.
Then get schwasted.
Then get up and go to church.
Then eat lunch with my family.
Then get schwasted again.

Class Notes.

A glimpse into my school notebooks. Leslie asked to borrow some class notes today and I was embarrassed to hand her my papers filled with doodles and other random crap. Oh well.

Recently, six word phrases/poems/scribblings/nothings/words. Now I didn't take no Sylvia Little-Sweat poetry class and I'm not trying to say I'm any sort of a poet, but words easily go together sometimes.These are a few of my favorites from today. One is twelve words, two stanzas. Geez.

Ahem.

-

i
don't
pay
attention
in
class.

-

Father,
Spirit,
Son,
You
are
One.

-

resurrect
my
heart
from
the
pit.

-

are
you
hearing
what
i'm
crying?

-

my
heart
is
an
empty
vessel.

fill
my
vessel
with
Your.
light.

-

fin.

And The World's Got Me Dizzy Again.

I am only seven days shy of completing 21 revolutions around the sun.




I feel like I've experienced things in life that most 21 year olds have never experienced.

Maybe I'm just overly analyzing my existence on this earth for the past few decades (holycrap). But I've been through some tough junk. God's worked in me and around me and through me and even in ways I haven't even realized yet. He's given me experiences that have transformed me into the person I am right now. The person typing meaning-full words into the black hole of the world wide web. I've experienced so many different things. My life has been so strange. So weird. So eventful, even when it felt like everything was standing still. I am so grateful for my past almost 21 years. I am so grateful for every road block and smooth sailing I've had.

I've spent the majority of these 21 years in school. A prison, if you will. I really hate school. But where I sometimes failed to learn my academic lessons, I was completely surrounded in learning about the world, about people, and about myself.
I've worked jobs that have made me miserable, but have made friendships that are solid and unforgettable.
I have found love and I have lost it. I have given up people. I've won and lost. I have been mad, upset, untruthful, forgiving, forgiven, understanding, deviant, hopeful, pessimistic, angry, broken, uplifted.
I've had a church family that has helped pull my family through our most difficult situations. The Body of Christ. I am apart of the Body of Christ. His hands and feet have reached out to me in my most desperate of times and have lifted me higher than I ever could have imagined.
And when it was time for me to leave that Body, God gave me another one to enter into at Wingate. I would not be the person I am today without the face of Christ shining directly on me everyday in the faces of about ten people from this school. My core. My heart and my soul. I love you all, even though you don't blog anymore.
And I have a family that is, quite frankly, my dear, the shit. There I said it. My family is the shit. The coolest four people I've ever met in my life. Mom, PoppaSquat, Mags, and Briglet. My love. My loves. My backbone. We've been through all the crap that life has thrown at us and have come out of it stronger and with more love than most families. We're breathing and we're living and we're loving and we're one. I can only hope that one day I can have a family like the one I've come out of. One that just loves. That's all. Just loves and forgives. And plays Wii.

This has taken more of an introspective turn than I anticipated, but if these happen to be the last words I type, I want all 18 of my followers to know that I love you. Or if this is Dane Jordan I want you to know that I love you. Or if this is my mom I want you to know that I love you. Those are about the only people I know of that read this. Oh yeah and you Chelsea Roeder. I love you.

I can't wait to get totally wasted on my birthday.
Just kidding.

It's a long life, baby. I can't wait for the next 21 years. And the 21 after that. And the 21 after that. And then maybe like the 10 after that.


And now, the cliche quote from American Beauty,
"It's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax and not try to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid, little life."

like one of those days in the middle of the winter, the kind that you can't run away from.

You can't force a blog.

You can, however, provoke one along with proper mood lighting, music, and snow.

---

I tried to talk about grace on Tuesday night to my small group, which was especially small this week, but I didn't really say everything I wanted to say because my mind was so clouded with other things. Here goes.

Things lately have been so difficult. I've messed up. I've felt broken. I've tried to force myself to cry but have only done so for four minutes in Dane Jordan's office with everyone sitting in the other room, inches away.

People loose feelings. People move out and get divorced. People do things they wish they hadn't. People hold on for too long, only to make it worse in the long run. People don't get jobs. People get sick. People fall on the ice.

But in all of this, in the front of my mind has been the satisfying feeling that everything is going to be okay.

Grace is a marvelous thing.

Monday night I ran across the story of the woman who perfumes Jesus' feet and dries them with her hair. I think that I can relate to her more than any other woman in the Bible. This woman has lived in sin, and when she learned that Jesus was in town she knew that she had to see Him; that only he would love her undeserving self. She went to the house where he was staying, intent on finding this Savior. I can see her vividly in my mind. The scriptures say she was weeping, and I completely agree, but I more see her sobbing to the point of uncontrollable shakes. Like the dry-heaves, only in tear formation. She brought her alabaster jar full of perfume, and, combined with her tears, she cleaned Jesus' dirty, nasty feet. She dried them with her hair. And she kissed them; the feet of her Savior. Jesus tells her her sin are forgiven because she has loved him in a way no one else around did.

"Grace is the good pleasure of God that inclines him to bestow benefits on the undeserving."
-A.W. Tozer.

God has given us his grace. We totally do not derserve it. We are sinful. Disgusting. Unclean.
But God sings his grace over us everyday. His grace IS sufficient. It's sufficient. It is all that we need.

The woman who anointed Jesus did so because it's all that she could do. Before that, she wasn't living in a way that expressed Christ's love or would make him want to love her. But he loved her anyway. She did what she could to show her love to Christ. He's already loved us. He's already taken away our guilt and shame and has given us the promise of new life completely with him.

Everything is going to be okay because God is good and his grace completely covers us.

Even though things stink right now and I wish with all my might that things were different for me and those closest to me, I know God has it all in control.

Even though things stink, would you be able to get down and kiss the feet of God? Could you forget yourself and only focus on him and the grace he gives you? Trust him completely with every bone and cell in your body? Would you crawl on the floor to find him?

all my
afflictions
are only
light ones
anyway now.

"Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!"
Psalm 32:11

John Mark sang about it.

Nice Ta Meet Cha.

I just spent two hours doing Spanish homework.

And watching Titanic at the same time.

I don't understand how the Avett Brothers can be so sad and happy all at the same time. I like them because they write about things I've felt and places I've been to. Or are within a three hour radius of me. And because they are good.

I don't understand how I can feel content and so sad all at the same time.
I can't cry right now. It's physically impossible.

I'd like to though.

The theme of this past weekend wasn't 'Renewal' in any way, shape, form, or fashion, but it was refreshing nonetheless. It was good to be with two friends that I love and that love me. Especially one that knows and loves the same things that I do and one that doesn't care that I blab about the same sorry situation all weekend. And one with a beard and one with scarves. And two with matching shoes. And a cool youth group.





'we sat at lake junaluska.
and cried over where we would wed.
if it's this place or any other,
it's not where i am, it's who i'm with.'

I'll Just Wait Without Saying A Word.

There are always two sides to any given situation.

There's right and wrong. Left and right. Up or down. Black or white.

Yes or no. Love or hate.

One thing that frustrates me the most is the grey area. The space in between the right and wrong, black and white, and yes or no that gives a little bit of wiggle room. Or a little bit of time.

The grey area shouldn't be there. We've placed it there ourselves. We've made the easiest of decisions into the most massive, drawn out situations. Sometimes this grey area is necessary, like being indecisive about a wedding gown or buying a puppy.. But even in those intances, there is always an initial gut reaction. The breath that stops in your lungs when you see yourself in the mirror or when that adorable puppy locks eyes with you and you know its meant to be.

There are feelings that are felt about everything.

Things can either happen or not happen.

Black or white.
Love or hate.
Yes or no.

And I'm trying to be content with God. Especially if this time period is a God induced grey area. But its so hard to see any light at the end of a tunnel you've been wading through for the past several months, even if it has been happy wading. At times miserably happy, but happy nonetheless.

I got a summer job today and I felt like crying when I heard the news. It's the first big thing God has done in my life in weeks, I think.

It's common for God's thing to be different then what I think my thing should be. I GET THAT. I know that. I just wish God would tell me his thing so that I could make my thing his thing and then all our things would match up and I wouldn't have to be so anxious and concerned about it anymore. I know he's in control and that's the worst thing you can say to anybody in any situation.

God's in the black and white and yes and no and grey and maybes and I don't knows.

I KNOW THAT.

But I'm just tired of running around. I'm tired of the grey and the maybes and I don't knows. I'm needing some words, some concrete, some something that lets me know what's up and what I need to be thinking/feeling/saying/doing about this.



Summer feels like forever ago but it's creeping up on us and then where will that leave us?



I hate I am the only one still blogging.

and don't worry.

Recently things have been.

There's a lot going on and a lot to do, but I feel as though I am just sitting here watching everything happen instead of being an active part in life right.

I know God is present. He's around. He's doing things. He's good. He's good. He's good.

Leslie said that listening to Coldplay puts her into really weird moods, and that's all I've been listening to the past five days, so maybe that's the reason.

But it's soooooo good.

Of the two major break ups I have experienced in my lifetime, in the days/months that followed, when I knew I was TOTALLY over it, drastic measures were inflicted upon my hair. One consisted of a dye job and the other resulted in my hair becoming the same height of my ears.

I haven't dated anyone and I haven't broken up with anyone at this point, so perhaps this trend of breakup/hair change is inconsistent.

How do you tell someone you're sorry for, basically, being a bitch and then invite them to coffee or something? You know it's gonna be awkward. You know it might not be the best decision, But you still feel like you need to do it...?

If I had an iPad, I could write a blog upside down while running on a tredmill and eating pizza at the same time.

Confidence is the key.

I want to be creative like this.

Chance.

A lot of the time, I think about God.

A lot of the time, I think about other people.

Sometimes I feel like I think about God and other people a lot more than I think about myself.

However, I'd almost consider this lying to myself.


Sunday morning I skipped Sunday school. I got up and got ready to go to the worship service at 11. It was raining. Not too hard, but still enough to make my perfect hair damp and smudge my mascara on the walk from my front porch to my car. Upon fixing my makeup and adjusting the volume on the tunes, I put my car in reverse and backed out of the driveway. Put the car in drive. Turned right on to St. John. Drove until it turned into Weston. Turned right on to Sweeten Creek. Driving on Sweeten Creek. In the rain. I see someone walking in the same direction as I am, only on the other side of the road. I come to the realization it's Wade, and African American man who attends my church that lives in the apartment buildings within walking distance of my church.

It was raining.

Wade doesn't own a car.

We were going in the same direction. To the same place. To worship and give thanks to the same God. And it isn't like Wade is someone I don't know. He traveled to PC with us over the summer, where he shared his testimony about how love can break down the barriers put up by race. Wade was the only black guy on the trip.

Wade sits in the back of the church and I sit in the front. Not that that signifies anything significant. It's just a fact. People have their pews they sit in every week. I get that. I didn't even go to the back of the church. I didn't even look back. I cried when the choir sang "The Power of the Cross". P-Hud spoke on suffering and hope. I went up during the Alter call and asked for my Pastor to pray for me. For these internal things that are just so messed up with me.

All because I can't get over me.

It's so difficult knowing that I am made for something bigger, but still I grasp onto whatever wordly false hope I can find.

Jesus would have offered Wade a ride in his car. Or on his donkey. Or whatever. And He would have taken them to the North Pole and back if thats where they needed to go. Why can't I be willing to ride 100 yards with someone who has to walk in the rain to church? How can I expect love when I'm not even capable of showing it to someone like Jesus would?

I need to BE like Jesus and I need to LOVE like Jesus.


"and we,
who with unvieled faces,
all reflect the Lord's glory
are bring transformed
into his likeness with
ever-increasing glory,
which comes from the Lord,
who is the Spirit."
2 corinthians 3:18

Muzak.

I have the tendency to embed a particular song into every situation.
Every person.
Every event.
Every memory.
Every emotion.
Every feeling.

Music is easy to associate people to.

There are some songs that hit the nail on the head so much.

I listen to them over. And over. And over. Every note and word is precisely how I think and feel and AM. How I AM.

These words and cords become so ingrained into every fiber of my being, so that upon every listening of them I still feel every sting and tear and shout and happy. It's almost enough to make the blood in my veins run cold because of the eerieness of how intensely music can make me feel.

I will forever be indebted to Conor Oberst for soundtracking my life's events and feelings with every album Saddle Creek produced.

You might hate this but it describes a lot about my existance during high school. Even the skateboard footage. Hearing it now makes me want to puke.
I think I am going to buy the whole album off iTunes.
Remember, God judges, not you.