mid morning coffee talk (via text).

On life, experiences, and the beautiful melancholy of it all:

"Sometimes that's what paying attention does to people. But embrace that shit.
That's life in all its greatness."

-ES. (you need to blog. for my sake.)





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side note:

New Years Eve will be spent with good friends and these boys. Thank the Lord.

and yes you're in my head, but that doesn't make you here.

it is 3am on Christmas Eve morning and i am...still awake?





this isn't real. has an entire year really passed by? have i really just sat here listening to music and reading old blog entries - realizing how idiotic and oblivious i have completely been to everything happening around me for my entire life?

i am awake now. i am awake. i am awake.

but no one else is (except for win and regine, but they don't count at this point).
no one else is awake and i have no one to talk to.


they were right when they wrote "i like cars more than telephones."
i could take it one step further and say that "i like phone calls more than text messages."

but cars and telephones. i'm willing to take this drive, but i don't know if anyone else is. or if they are ready for me to show up there. or if anyone is willing to meet halfway.

to cry and to laugh and to cry some more until we reach the point where we can't even tell it apart anymore.
to embrace and not let go because its so comforting and so needed and so real.
to scream from rooftops that God is big and that life is normal and that people are beautiful and that we know a Love worth screaming about.

give me your heart to drive to and i will take that trip. make me need to.
my gps guiding me in the moonlight.

finding my way back to you.

homemade chai and good music.
God, i love having nothing important to do.

winter blues and greens and purples.

it isn't until i return home that i feel like i never really even left.
but i hate being here when it is so cold.
i don't want to get out of bed or see anyone.
and for that, i apologize.


i come to this place and it is cold.
the floor is cold.
the air is cold.
my feet are cold.

outside everything looks dead and for some reason i enjoy that.

i enjoy riding in the car.
sitting in the lamp light.
hearing the sounds and thinking the thoughts.

i think it's okay to be a little melancholy during this season of Christmas.
i can give and give until i am blue in the face, but what satisfaction does that bring in return? how does feeling broke at the end of the 'most wonderful time of year' even make sense? i told my mother not to even bother with buying me anything. having my family around is a lot better than objects that will temporarily make me happy. i told my aunts and uncles the same thing...one of them donated money in my name to an organization that helps sexually abused children in alabama.. the others bought me things. things are nice, don't get me wrong. but so, so temporary. but i am grateful for each gift - the donation and the things.
i guess it's just that people like seeing people be happy. but is it because you secretly want to feel good about yourself knowing you caused this person to feel this way because you spent X-amount of money on a gift they will forgot you gave them in a month?
why can't we just cook a meal, rub eachother's backs and just BE?

i guess i am guilty of all this too... i like seeing the people i love smile. i can count eight people i want to see smile this Christmas time. myself included. do they know that i love them? have i verbally told them today? yes to some. no to most.


i can be a little sad, but there is an overlaying theme of Joy.
i can take heart in knowing that a Savior was born.
but then i mourn the imminent death that of that same Savior that was undeserving of him. i am undeserving of that death.

but i can rejoice that there is Life.
there is Life in the Birth and there is Life in the Death.

there is Life in the frozen trees out my window.
there is Life in the birds that fly to warmer winters.

there is Life all around, it just sometimes hides for a little while.
my Joy is apparent - i can feel it from the depths of my heart to the tips of my toes.
i know the Love that i have been given. a Love that came with a small birth and a great sacrifice.
i know my actions and words and surface to not always reflect the Joy that i have.
but it is there.

it is Alive.




a new year is on the horizon.

and i don't want to go into something new feeling how i do now.


New emerges from old.
there is Life, even in death.
there is Warmth, even in the coldest winter.

ww + sp + w = words.

if the sun never fades,
and if the planets never align.

and if the moon keeps in its rotation about the earth;
even so, and if not more, will
i never cease to shine on you,

or fall into your rows,
or end this dizzying spiral i float in:

and i just keep spinning
and spinning
and spinning

until i come into you.

the garden.

there are things i'll never understand. and maybe i'm just not meant to.

one thing i will never understand is Peace.

Peace of mind.
Peace of heart.
Peace of soul.


the Peace of God.




the Love i've been looking for has been around all along.


it was planted by God, tilled by words, watered with tears, and has grown into something more Beautiful then i ever even dreamed to be possible.


there is Hope, Peace, Joy.

all three things i am finding myself re-experiencing right now, which is appropriate for this season of advent.


and at the center of all things is Christ.



i can't understand it. i don't want to understand it. really.






i just want to stand in the Son, feel the warmth, and keep growing.