winter blues and greens and purples.

it isn't until i return home that i feel like i never really even left.
but i hate being here when it is so cold.
i don't want to get out of bed or see anyone.
and for that, i apologize.


i come to this place and it is cold.
the floor is cold.
the air is cold.
my feet are cold.

outside everything looks dead and for some reason i enjoy that.

i enjoy riding in the car.
sitting in the lamp light.
hearing the sounds and thinking the thoughts.

i think it's okay to be a little melancholy during this season of Christmas.
i can give and give until i am blue in the face, but what satisfaction does that bring in return? how does feeling broke at the end of the 'most wonderful time of year' even make sense? i told my mother not to even bother with buying me anything. having my family around is a lot better than objects that will temporarily make me happy. i told my aunts and uncles the same thing...one of them donated money in my name to an organization that helps sexually abused children in alabama.. the others bought me things. things are nice, don't get me wrong. but so, so temporary. but i am grateful for each gift - the donation and the things.
i guess it's just that people like seeing people be happy. but is it because you secretly want to feel good about yourself knowing you caused this person to feel this way because you spent X-amount of money on a gift they will forgot you gave them in a month?
why can't we just cook a meal, rub eachother's backs and just BE?

i guess i am guilty of all this too... i like seeing the people i love smile. i can count eight people i want to see smile this Christmas time. myself included. do they know that i love them? have i verbally told them today? yes to some. no to most.


i can be a little sad, but there is an overlaying theme of Joy.
i can take heart in knowing that a Savior was born.
but then i mourn the imminent death that of that same Savior that was undeserving of him. i am undeserving of that death.

but i can rejoice that there is Life.
there is Life in the Birth and there is Life in the Death.

there is Life in the frozen trees out my window.
there is Life in the birds that fly to warmer winters.

there is Life all around, it just sometimes hides for a little while.
my Joy is apparent - i can feel it from the depths of my heart to the tips of my toes.
i know the Love that i have been given. a Love that came with a small birth and a great sacrifice.
i know my actions and words and surface to not always reflect the Joy that i have.
but it is there.

it is Alive.




a new year is on the horizon.

and i don't want to go into something new feeling how i do now.


New emerges from old.
there is Life, even in death.
there is Warmth, even in the coldest winter.