process 1.

i am trying to process all of this newness i have been given. all within a few weeks time:
stress about school, graduation, camp, next fall, sickness...it's all there weighing heavy.

truths that i have forced myself to believe about life, love, people, and myself are being proven wrong progressively more and more as each day goes on. truths to me that grew out of this deep melancholy that has been the past several months. it feels good. in my chest i can feel a literal sense of who i was and who i imagine myself as pulling my heart open, revealing who i AM to myself. this melancholy is apart of me, but it isn't who i am at my core. at my core i am good, i am light, i am love, i am free. these four things i have hid from myself for so long; that i am so undeserving of those four elements that make a human being Whole. but i'm not. i deserve that. how have i fooled myself for so long in thinking i wasn't?

this is good. i am still trying to process it all, and it will be a gradual, changing event. i am thankful for the change happening inside of me, but i don't want to become entirely reliant on a person or medication to make me feel better. they help, and they are worth it and good, but i truly need to become okay with myself with those other things aiding me along the way.

this is just the initial rough draft of the process of my current thoughts of today.
today has been difficult for me, but i have come to learn i can't expect every day to be completely perfect inside of me.


i think i have found something special though. something different and real.
something making the sun come up again.


it is a good feeling.




this video is dumb but this song always finds a way of bringing itself back to me.