So. Here I sit in Copa Vida Coffee in Durham, North Carolina. Sipping on coffee (real coffee, mind you. none of this frilly, syrupy junk). Writing a blog. On a wobbly table. Wearing a denim shirt. JJ Heller is playing overhead in the background.. I mean if that doesn't scream scene hipster I fail at living right now.
I am glad I am here. And by 'here' I don't physically mean Copa Vida Coffee in Durham, North Carolina. I mean 'here' as in living. As in being awake to see life happen. I feel like I lived the latter part of this past semester asleep. I made myself blind and numb to actually what was going on around me. I was doing my day-to-day just fine, but that's all it was. Just day-to-day and just fine. There was nothing to arouse my slumbering heart out of it's deep sleep. Everything has been surface. Nothing deep. Sure, some intense things happened. I could go on and on and on about the anxiety and worry I have felt, but I think that those are the only emotions I have felt lately.
I've made myself numb to the things really happening in my life. I have been blind to the fact that some relationships fail, no matter how hard you try to pretend they're not. I have turned a cold shoulder to medical and health problems, making them small then they really should be. I didn't embrace my friends, some of which I will not see for a very long time. I just ran (or drove, rather) off into the sunset with the mountains calling my name.
I have drifted from God, and have put up a facade, making everything look okay. The truth is that I am scared of God, which is okay, I think. Though He's the forefront of my mind and a lot of my daily and weekly activity, I have focused more on His relationship with the people around me rather than my own personal, intimate relationship with him.. I criticize how other people focus on God rather than looking into myself to see the roots of my struggles.
I just do not want to be fake to God, because He can see right through it. And I don't want to be fake to other people about God, because though they can't see through it, I know it's fake. And I have been swimming in a sea of fake for months now. I know that God is good and real, but I'm not focusing on Him the way I need to be. I'm not reading or singing or praying in the ways that my heart really longs to do. I have been to worried about discussing the scientific version of God rather than the natural, real aspect of God. I have this mindset that once I start Passport things will become different; that things will be set into place and perspective for me. But the truth of the matter is that I need to get straight before that can happen.
What is holding me back from really, truly being Free in Christ?
I know it hasn't even been 48hours since I left Wingate, but I guess I was expecting some great sense of Peace to wash over me the second I drove off of campus. That hasn't happened yet. I'm still waiting for it to. Revleation will come soon enough.
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In other news, a few things I've thought of over the past few days:
-I am officially a senior in college. wth.
-I hope to be one of those moms that brings her kids to cool coffee shops to do their homework in the afternoon. My kid can wear camo shorts and a Pokemon shirt if he wants to. And my daughter will try coffee and like it.
-Moms are cool.
-I like visiting old people I have seen in a long time because they will always boost your self-esteem. They will tell you are 'so, so pretty' and 'so, so ambitious'.
-Old people will say things that will make you intensely worry about your future.
-As I sit here, it makes me realize how cool it would be to have my own cafe, so I guess I'd like to do that. Except I won't play college university a capella music.
-It's summer and it's freezing! wth!
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