Oh. Em. Gee.
Someone knows my life.

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/full-list-of-stuff-white-people-like/

Sparks.

I woke up at 4 am this morning in order to catch an airplane that was to depart at 6:19 am. I planned on arriving at the airport at 5 am in order to have time to check in, run through security, and find the appropriate gate number. Sadly, this did not happen. I found myself checking in at 5:40, waiting in line then hitting security at 5:48, arriving at my gate just as it began boarding the airplane. I was so nervous I was going to miss it. Like sick to my stomach nervous. But I made it alright, and I was able to witness an incredible sunrise that I know was a gift from God to calm my anxious nerves. There is nothing like looking into the Heavens and seeing the sky being painted and change right before your eyes. Nothing. I was lucky enough to sit between the window and an empty seat on each of my four flights.

Speaking of light, Wednesday evening I had the privilege of witnessing the lighting of Cinderella's castle in Magic Kingdom. It was breathtaking, to say the least. Yes, of course I know this castle was built for sweaty tourists rather than kings and queens, but there is something inside of me that will always cause me to feel extremely giddy at the sight of it. The movies and morals of Disney were ones my family pumped into my brain and heart from day one. This commonality is something I share with my best friends and family. We all have a mutual respect for the inspiration brought about from Walt Disney and his tales. Anything involving Mickey Mouse, a Princess, or any other Disney character causes that feeling of tears to build behind my eyes until I can't hold it back any longer. It's just awesome to see how some simple movies and a theme park can unify people in a common bond.

Deep Thoughts.

I cannot explain all of the thoughts that I have.

So many brilliant things happen in my day to day that I wish I could write into a huge screenplay about my life, but I can never formulate the proper words or sentences to express what I want to say. I am trying though. This on-going project I have is slow moving, but perhaps it will be one of those things that only gets better with time and love and tenderness. I think my problem is the lack of inspiration I am receiving from Wingate University. Sure, my friends inspire me..well, actually more like one of them inspires me.

I am welcoming this break as a time for relaxation, inspiration, and merriment.

1

Fact: I love coffee and the Arcade Fire at 9 in the morning.

I heart ya, Walt.

I have pried through the strata and analyzed to a hair,
And counselled with doctors and calculated close and found no sweeter fat than sticks to my own bones.
In all people I see myself, none more and not one a barleycorn less,
And the good or bad I say of myself I say of them.
And I know I am solid and sound,
To me the converging objects of the universe perpetually flow,
All are written to me, and I must get what the writing means.
And I know I am deathless,
I know this orbit of mine cannot be swept by a carpenter's compass,
I know I shall not pass like a child's carlacue cut with a burnt stick at night.
I know I am august,
I do not trouble my spirit to vindicate itself or be understood,
I see that the elementary laws never apologize,
I reckon I behave no prouder than the level I plant my house by after all.
I exist as I am, that is enough,
If no other in the world be aware I sit content,
And if each and all be aware I sit content.
One world is aware, and by far the largest to me, and that is myself,
And whether I come to my own today or in ten thousand or ten million years,
I can cheerfully take it now, or with equal cheerfulness I can wait.
My foothold is tenoned and mortised in granite,
I laugh at what you call dissolution,
And I know the amplitude of time.
I am the poet of the body,
And I am the poet of the soul.
The pleasures of heaven are with me, and the pains of hell are with me,
The first I graft and increase upon myself . . . . the latter I translate into a new tongue.
I am the poet of the woman the same as the man,
And I say it is as great to be a woman as to be a man,
And I say there is nothing greater than the mother of men.
I chant a new chant of dilation or pride,
We have had ducking and deprecating about enough,
I show that size is only developement.

-Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman.

Thanking.

From here on out I'm going to try to tell people how thankful I am for them everyday of the year. Just because it's Thanksgiving doesn't mean I'm extra thankful today. I have so many stellar people in my life that have greatly influenced me and make me better. I hope they know. I'm going to make it a point that they know. I have to.

Good to be Home.

Today was essentially perfect.

Asheville is amazing. God greatly blessed me when he decided to place me here.
Just walking around downtown was lovely. I ran into so many people I haven't spoken to in years, and it was so awesome. Catching up with people is so good.
It's such a good scene to be in. Such a good place to get coffee and experience your life.
The weather was just incredible. It was chilly, but the sun was out and so if you walked in the sun you could keep warm.
As a whole, the people here are incredible. There are so many talented individuals walking the streets, displaying their artistic abilities.
Just randomly greeting people with a "Happy Thanksgiving" makes my heart so happy.

How can I doubt anything when there is so much good and beauty in my own backyard?

I'll sing your praise.

It is completely impossible to describe how I am feeling at this exact moment.

It is the strangest mixture of distinct joy, extreme tiredness, bitter disappointment, lovely contentment, and longing for something so much more then this world holds for me.

I haven't felt this emotional in the longest times. It's building and building and the dam will soon burst. I am so thankful. I am so thankful. God is good, all the time.

confusion isn't funny.

Since first hearing "Skinny Love", I haven't had a song that I am absolutely enthralled with. That song has now come in the form of "Worth Keeping" by the everybodyfields. I saw them live over this past weekend, and though I had heard the song before the show, I was just in astounded with how awesome it is. I mean come on, "Take your hands out of your pockets and hold me".. romance doesn't get much more needful then that..Jill Andrews has vocals that will slay your soul. Her voice is so pure, sensitive, and compassionate. You can hear the sadness in her voice at some points. Sam Quinn's voice is remarkable as well. It fits right along with his eccentric personality. The two's chemistry on stage is unmatchable. The entire band is quirky, and really enjoy playing their "alt-country" music.

It's the fifth of Novemeber, 2008. I've changed my major and selected classes for next semester. There's going to be a new president.
My, how the time flies.

So I got to thinking. And I got to thinking about significant moments/conversations in my life. And I realized that several of these significant moments have a similar location: Parking Lots. At first this realization struck me as odd, but after thinking about it more, it made sense. With all of the awkward and unusual situations I've put myself in over the past five years, it doesn't surprise me so much as happened in parking lots.
Parking lots are where you first are when you arrive somewhere. Sometimes, the first place you connect with people before an event, such as work or dinner or church. And since they are the first location of an event, that means they're the last also. Generally where you say goodbye. I cannot even count on both hands how many tearful goodbyes I've said in parking lots. Parking lots stretching from the East Coast to the West. I've had countless, and strangely enough, I can still remember most of them, even if it is vaguely.


Off the top of my head:
California: I'm never ever going to see you again goodbye. And we haven't.
TC Roberson: Changing of clothes, more than once, for countless numbers of chorus events.
Iannucci's: First kisses.
Target: Awkward goodbyes involving scissors that I still carry in my car today.
Old Navy: Good mornings mostly, on the bench. Lots of I'm sorry's, too.
Bryant's Driveway: My parents couldn't see us.
Jefferson: Backseats..but not how you'd imagine. Mostly sorry's and silence.
Sweeten Creek Road: Accidental conversations.
Barley Driveway: I have a crush on you. I like you too, but you have a boyfriend.
Overlooks: Stars, mountains, friendly conversations.
Dupont State Park: Non-working car. Stranded in the middle of the woods.
Various Driveways on Pinehurst Circle: Good stories and awkward teenagers.
ABTech: Again with the backseats.
Grove Arcade Parking Deck: Ending of one 4th of July I'll never forget. Soaking wet. In front of an elevator.
Arden First Baptist: High School Musical and new found independence. Pies in the face. Something about rubber gloves.
Amos': Conversations with other fans.
Panera Bread: Let's just say I wasn't at the gym.

I'll elaborate more on each when I'm older.

Forever Ago.

It's almost November. Which means it's almost December. Which means it's almost an entirely new year. That's strange to think about because this year feels like it hasn't even started yet. January feels like it just happened, but at the same time it feels like it happened ages ago. February is fuzzy in my memory. March, I can hardly even remember...and so on and so forth.
It isn't that these months of this year haven't been swell, just lacking a bit of luster.
I can distinctly remember moments and times and situations. Ones that involve minor car accidents, Barack, breakups, get back togethers, Hanson, Jamal, buses, folding chairs, rebounds, dumpsters, and cars.

The first time I ever heard Bright Eyes was my freshman year of high school when Lindsay burnt me a CD with a couple of songs on it. It was then I began my love/hate relationship with Conor Oberst. For years and years Conor's shitty vocals and not so excellent guitar skills soothed my distressed soul. He became somewhat of my God during some of the mosto trying times in my life when he shouldn't have been. I don't regret it though. It's nice to have someone singing things I can relate to.
I felt I could die happy after the first time I saw Bright Eyes my junior year. It was incredible. It began my love affair with shows and the outterbody experience that comes along with them. I don't know if I have even been more emotional at a show. The next day my voice was gone from singing so hard and inhaling all of that illegal smoke in the Thomas Wolfe.
The second time I saw Bright Eyes was less exciting. Still an awesome show, but travelling for shows is something I am not a fan of. Maybe it's just the crowd I was with that makes that show less enjoyable when recalling it.
"Happy Birthday to Me" is the first song I really related to my life. That summer I fell in love, I think, and for the entire year after that song brough solice to me.
I can successfully relate a song by Conor to major events in my life.
I don't know if I should brag on that or not.

It's strange how emotionally attached one can get to something. Whether it be an object, person, place, whatever, something can get under your skin. Or maybe less under your skin and more into your heart and your head. Lots of things easily become significant to me. I have a terrible memory, but I can usually remember most of my "firsts". First songs, first kisses, first smoke. Things like that. Distinct moments of my life can be defined in firsts, but no matter how many times I've repeated the act, the first is always the more prominent in my mind. I suppose that's why it's called a "first".

The first time I heard the song was a few weeks after we'd broken up. It was Spring Break except it wasn't very Springy and it wasn't much of a Break since I worked most of the week. I think it was the Monday night. So we wanted to get together but neither of us wanted to hang at the other person's house to avoid the awkwardness of parents and siblings and such. So he picked me up and we still weren't sure of what we were going to do. We drove and drove and drove. He said he wanted me to listen to this song and so I did. It had been the first time I really cried in a few weeks. We cried together and drove. We drove all around town and around all the backroads that neither one of us knew how to navigate. I think we listened to the song the entire time. So we decided to get some smokes and we went out to a graveyard where a friend of mine is burried. And we just laid there smoking some smokes. Not really talking. Just laying in the grass recalling the lyrics and the past year and a half in our minds. I don't think he liked the smokes but I did because it helped me to relax and not think for five minutes. So I've listened to the song every day for the past five months.
On rare occassions it feels like the first time.

The past week and a half has been incredibly different from anything I've ever been through.

I find it strange how the weather can so easily effect my attitude for the day.
Maybe it isn't just the weather.
Probably isn't just the weather.

I'm still breathing.

Contentment is the state of being content; satisfaction; ease of mind.

Trying to stay content is difficult. It's my constant prayer, and I think God is really helping me to remain in him and be content in him. I don't need physicalness to satisfy me. All I need to be content in my heart with God, and let him lead my life. Typing that is easier then actually going through with it.

Prayer is a great thing and it can do great things. If half of the people I prayer for daily knew I was praying for them, I wonder what they would think of it. Are they praying for me also?

This year is already different from last year. Good different.

I'm thankful for past experiences. But I'm not thankful for my ability to dwell on them.

I miss my family.

Lately I've been realizing how big God is. He is so big. He's so much more than I will ever be. I'm finding joy in my life now that I had never really known. I've always appreciated nature and it's beauty, but this morning walking to class, the sky was so perfect and I knew God had made it that way for me to see. For me to realize yet again how awesome he is. He's an Artist. He has my heart.

He's the perfect place to hide my heart.



"The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the works of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the end of the world."
Psalm 19:1-4

Here feels good.

Mhm.

I like the beach a lot, though I don't think I could live there.

I've also realized, again, how short tempered I am with people. Just people constantly being immature gets on my nerves. Now I'm not saying I'm the most mature person my age, but I know how to bite my tongue sometimes.

I like bonding with people.
People are mostly good.



I like being home, but I like being able to come home more.

Tonight I am exhausted.

1-10 is the longest shift in the world.
But tonight it wasn't terrible.
Mostly because it was less awkward and I grew the balls to tell Jammons I wasn't going to close every night this summer.
...
Balls!

Goodnight.

A Few Things.

I've never watched Titanic with anyone. It's embrassing how emotional I get just by putting the DVD into the player.
For realz.
Bad emotional.
Like blubbering child emotional.

Work started off bad today but then slowly got better after I got back from my dinner break. I like to mope around the place usually. And act pissed off whenever anyone asks anything of me. It makes me giggle.

Ever since coming home, I've found myself staying up much longer than I ever did when I was at school. It's strange. I typically just put one song on repeat and listen to it for two hours and surf the web.

I keep getting more and more excited about the mission trip with each passing day. It's going to be a different, amazing experience. I can already feel God working as we prep for our tasks.
Excitement!

I Couldn't Take It Any Longer.

I've caved.
After the depressing turn my old blog took, I decided to give it another chance. In hopes of brighter content.
I am becoming a blogger again.
I couldn't hold it in any longer.
I've been an emotional wreck.

So much hasn't happened.

Today I didn't work so I just bs-ed around with my mother all day. Enjoyable times. My mother and I met up with my father at the local Chuck E. Cheese's to delight ourselves with some lunch. My father and I induldged in buying a few tokens and pwned the skee ball machine a few times. We gave our tickets to some little boys who were busy counting their own tickets. They declared us "The nicest people they've ever met!" I smiled to myself knowing I made someone I don't even know happy.

Yesterday, perhaps one of the most awkward moments of my life occurred. My mother and I were out to lunch (its a favorite passtime of ours) at the Charro when, Lo and Behold, who of all people walk in. The conversation and events that occurred were some I'd soon like to forget.
People change. People grow. People growup.

I'm disappointed in you. And you know who you are. Whether or not you ever see these words. You didn't break my heart. I broke my own by putting so much hope and faith into everything I thought could happen. "Could" being the key word. I didn't see the reality that was in front of me. Being myself, my head was in the clouds. And suddenly my face was in the dirt.

I'm slowly beginning to pick myself back up and wipe the mud off my face. I can try to find hope in new things.
New people. New experiences. New beginnings.

So, Cheers. Happy New Year.