less than three.

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love, according to your great compassion."


In Proverbs it says to guard your heart because it is the wellspring of life.

Medically speaking:
Hearts are delicate.
Hearts are fragile.
Hearts pump life in to our bodies and give all of our other organs the blood necessary to function properly.
I learned last night that if a lacrosse ball hits you in the chest at the exact moment your heart is taking a beat, it will kill you dead.

Emotionally speaking:
Hearts are delicate.
Hearts are fragile.
Hearts pump love into our bodies and give us a sense of belonging and fulfillment necessary to function properly.

When hearts mess up, everything else gets messed up too.

You have to wait until they're fixed. Take medicine, exercise more, eat right.

But sometimes you need a new one all together.

A heart transplant isn't an easy one to endure, but often necessary for people because its the only way they'll be able to keep living this life that I think is so beautiful.

When hearts mess up, everything else gets messed up too.
You can't function properly. You can't think straight. You worry and become anxious about every little thing going on around you. You wonder if you're ever going to get fixed. Get right. It's more than a box of Cheerios can handle. You can joke about it, but I'm not sure if laughter is the best medicine or if it just makes matters worse all together.

But I do know.
That.
Hearts are the wellspring of life.
Sometimes our wells lose water for a while.
Sometimes we find a blip in the scan that we never knew was there.
But God is always there to pick up the pieces.
Mend the brokenness and ease the stress.

He WILL resurrect our hearts from despair.
He WILL restore the joy of his salvation.
He WILL time Spring Break at just the perfect time.
He WILL give us people to give and receive love.
He WILL give us songs and Psalms that fit how I feel about everything better than I put into words myself.


I can't deny God presence or my faith in Him when I keep reading and hearing and thinking and seeing how good He is just by waking me up in the morning and giving me music that reminds me of His power. But still. Sometimes it's okay to question and be disappointed and be weird and want to cry but can't. He WILL restore me.. I think He's just taking His time.

I read somewhere that love is patient so that's my story and I'm sticking to it.



'i am still running.
i am still running.
i am still running.
i am still running.

build me a home, inside Your scars.
build me a home, inside Your song.
build me a home, inside Your open arms.
the only place I ever will belong.'



"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore in me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me."
Psalm 51.


Create and restore, Lord. Create and restore.

It's So Easy To Throw Names Into Songs.

I still think all this going on is dumb, but I'm going to embrace and make the best of it. Everything's so complicated. Just meet halfway and it'll be easier. A birthday hug, that'd be enough.

However, I'm good. And I'm 21. And I'm in the single digit countdown to 30. Hm.

The Black Eyed Peas are the best ever in concert.

Shutter Island.

I've already declared I'm not a poet, and now I'll state that I am no film critic at all. But this one was too good not to blog about it.


So last night three friends and I ventured out to the local cinema to partake in the viewing of Martin Scorsese's latest film, Shutter Island. Upon seeing the trailer several times, I had really wanted to see it, but I think it is being marketed as being more of a 'scary' movie rather than a psychological mind/stomach roller coaster, which it totally was.

The film started out with Leonardo DiCaprio on a boat.

(We all know where this is heading. It's too easy to make Titanic jabs at him.)

From the moment Leo and Mark Ruffalo step off the ferry boat onto Shutter Island, this film does not stop once in taking you on a ride. There are so many twists and turns that its almost too much for your mind to take.

About an hour into the film, and I am being a bit prideful here, I figured out on of the major twists learned about at the end of the movie. But other than that one hitch figured up, the rest of the film was up in the air. Still, after meditating and discussing it with my friends afterwards, we're still not sure which scenes of the film were reality and which were delusion.

The action and drama in the film were very well done. Also the special effects were epic as well. This film was really good at going back and forth between the past and present; reality and delusion, and the help of special effects made that flow so graceful and eventful. Nice. Nice. Nice.

Okay, and as for the ending. What the heck. It came out of no where. I sat there for the last five minutes of the film with my mouth gaping wide and without blinking my eyes. It totally did not go the way you think it's going to. Just mind blowing. I want to see it again. I think it's a new favorite. Yes. Go see it, unresponsive readers of my blog. Now.

--

Anyway.
Tomorrow I turn 21.
Black Eyed Peas tonight.
Going to pick out a cool outfit.
Then get schwasted.
Then get up and go to church.
Then eat lunch with my family.
Then get schwasted again.

Class Notes.

A glimpse into my school notebooks. Leslie asked to borrow some class notes today and I was embarrassed to hand her my papers filled with doodles and other random crap. Oh well.

Recently, six word phrases/poems/scribblings/nothings/words. Now I didn't take no Sylvia Little-Sweat poetry class and I'm not trying to say I'm any sort of a poet, but words easily go together sometimes.These are a few of my favorites from today. One is twelve words, two stanzas. Geez.

Ahem.

-

i
don't
pay
attention
in
class.

-

Father,
Spirit,
Son,
You
are
One.

-

resurrect
my
heart
from
the
pit.

-

are
you
hearing
what
i'm
crying?

-

my
heart
is
an
empty
vessel.

fill
my
vessel
with
Your.
light.

-

fin.

And The World's Got Me Dizzy Again.

I am only seven days shy of completing 21 revolutions around the sun.




I feel like I've experienced things in life that most 21 year olds have never experienced.

Maybe I'm just overly analyzing my existence on this earth for the past few decades (holycrap). But I've been through some tough junk. God's worked in me and around me and through me and even in ways I haven't even realized yet. He's given me experiences that have transformed me into the person I am right now. The person typing meaning-full words into the black hole of the world wide web. I've experienced so many different things. My life has been so strange. So weird. So eventful, even when it felt like everything was standing still. I am so grateful for my past almost 21 years. I am so grateful for every road block and smooth sailing I've had.

I've spent the majority of these 21 years in school. A prison, if you will. I really hate school. But where I sometimes failed to learn my academic lessons, I was completely surrounded in learning about the world, about people, and about myself.
I've worked jobs that have made me miserable, but have made friendships that are solid and unforgettable.
I have found love and I have lost it. I have given up people. I've won and lost. I have been mad, upset, untruthful, forgiving, forgiven, understanding, deviant, hopeful, pessimistic, angry, broken, uplifted.
I've had a church family that has helped pull my family through our most difficult situations. The Body of Christ. I am apart of the Body of Christ. His hands and feet have reached out to me in my most desperate of times and have lifted me higher than I ever could have imagined.
And when it was time for me to leave that Body, God gave me another one to enter into at Wingate. I would not be the person I am today without the face of Christ shining directly on me everyday in the faces of about ten people from this school. My core. My heart and my soul. I love you all, even though you don't blog anymore.
And I have a family that is, quite frankly, my dear, the shit. There I said it. My family is the shit. The coolest four people I've ever met in my life. Mom, PoppaSquat, Mags, and Briglet. My love. My loves. My backbone. We've been through all the crap that life has thrown at us and have come out of it stronger and with more love than most families. We're breathing and we're living and we're loving and we're one. I can only hope that one day I can have a family like the one I've come out of. One that just loves. That's all. Just loves and forgives. And plays Wii.

This has taken more of an introspective turn than I anticipated, but if these happen to be the last words I type, I want all 18 of my followers to know that I love you. Or if this is Dane Jordan I want you to know that I love you. Or if this is my mom I want you to know that I love you. Those are about the only people I know of that read this. Oh yeah and you Chelsea Roeder. I love you.

I can't wait to get totally wasted on my birthday.
Just kidding.

It's a long life, baby. I can't wait for the next 21 years. And the 21 after that. And the 21 after that. And then maybe like the 10 after that.


And now, the cliche quote from American Beauty,
"It's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax and not try to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid, little life."

like one of those days in the middle of the winter, the kind that you can't run away from.

You can't force a blog.

You can, however, provoke one along with proper mood lighting, music, and snow.

---

I tried to talk about grace on Tuesday night to my small group, which was especially small this week, but I didn't really say everything I wanted to say because my mind was so clouded with other things. Here goes.

Things lately have been so difficult. I've messed up. I've felt broken. I've tried to force myself to cry but have only done so for four minutes in Dane Jordan's office with everyone sitting in the other room, inches away.

People loose feelings. People move out and get divorced. People do things they wish they hadn't. People hold on for too long, only to make it worse in the long run. People don't get jobs. People get sick. People fall on the ice.

But in all of this, in the front of my mind has been the satisfying feeling that everything is going to be okay.

Grace is a marvelous thing.

Monday night I ran across the story of the woman who perfumes Jesus' feet and dries them with her hair. I think that I can relate to her more than any other woman in the Bible. This woman has lived in sin, and when she learned that Jesus was in town she knew that she had to see Him; that only he would love her undeserving self. She went to the house where he was staying, intent on finding this Savior. I can see her vividly in my mind. The scriptures say she was weeping, and I completely agree, but I more see her sobbing to the point of uncontrollable shakes. Like the dry-heaves, only in tear formation. She brought her alabaster jar full of perfume, and, combined with her tears, she cleaned Jesus' dirty, nasty feet. She dried them with her hair. And she kissed them; the feet of her Savior. Jesus tells her her sin are forgiven because she has loved him in a way no one else around did.

"Grace is the good pleasure of God that inclines him to bestow benefits on the undeserving."
-A.W. Tozer.

God has given us his grace. We totally do not derserve it. We are sinful. Disgusting. Unclean.
But God sings his grace over us everyday. His grace IS sufficient. It's sufficient. It is all that we need.

The woman who anointed Jesus did so because it's all that she could do. Before that, she wasn't living in a way that expressed Christ's love or would make him want to love her. But he loved her anyway. She did what she could to show her love to Christ. He's already loved us. He's already taken away our guilt and shame and has given us the promise of new life completely with him.

Everything is going to be okay because God is good and his grace completely covers us.

Even though things stink right now and I wish with all my might that things were different for me and those closest to me, I know God has it all in control.

Even though things stink, would you be able to get down and kiss the feet of God? Could you forget yourself and only focus on him and the grace he gives you? Trust him completely with every bone and cell in your body? Would you crawl on the floor to find him?

all my
afflictions
are only
light ones
anyway now.

"Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!"
Psalm 32:11

John Mark sang about it.

Nice Ta Meet Cha.

I just spent two hours doing Spanish homework.

And watching Titanic at the same time.

I don't understand how the Avett Brothers can be so sad and happy all at the same time. I like them because they write about things I've felt and places I've been to. Or are within a three hour radius of me. And because they are good.

I don't understand how I can feel content and so sad all at the same time.
I can't cry right now. It's physically impossible.

I'd like to though.

The theme of this past weekend wasn't 'Renewal' in any way, shape, form, or fashion, but it was refreshing nonetheless. It was good to be with two friends that I love and that love me. Especially one that knows and loves the same things that I do and one that doesn't care that I blab about the same sorry situation all weekend. And one with a beard and one with scarves. And two with matching shoes. And a cool youth group.





'we sat at lake junaluska.
and cried over where we would wed.
if it's this place or any other,
it's not where i am, it's who i'm with.'

I'll Just Wait Without Saying A Word.

There are always two sides to any given situation.

There's right and wrong. Left and right. Up or down. Black or white.

Yes or no. Love or hate.

One thing that frustrates me the most is the grey area. The space in between the right and wrong, black and white, and yes or no that gives a little bit of wiggle room. Or a little bit of time.

The grey area shouldn't be there. We've placed it there ourselves. We've made the easiest of decisions into the most massive, drawn out situations. Sometimes this grey area is necessary, like being indecisive about a wedding gown or buying a puppy.. But even in those intances, there is always an initial gut reaction. The breath that stops in your lungs when you see yourself in the mirror or when that adorable puppy locks eyes with you and you know its meant to be.

There are feelings that are felt about everything.

Things can either happen or not happen.

Black or white.
Love or hate.
Yes or no.

And I'm trying to be content with God. Especially if this time period is a God induced grey area. But its so hard to see any light at the end of a tunnel you've been wading through for the past several months, even if it has been happy wading. At times miserably happy, but happy nonetheless.

I got a summer job today and I felt like crying when I heard the news. It's the first big thing God has done in my life in weeks, I think.

It's common for God's thing to be different then what I think my thing should be. I GET THAT. I know that. I just wish God would tell me his thing so that I could make my thing his thing and then all our things would match up and I wouldn't have to be so anxious and concerned about it anymore. I know he's in control and that's the worst thing you can say to anybody in any situation.

God's in the black and white and yes and no and grey and maybes and I don't knows.

I KNOW THAT.

But I'm just tired of running around. I'm tired of the grey and the maybes and I don't knows. I'm needing some words, some concrete, some something that lets me know what's up and what I need to be thinking/feeling/saying/doing about this.



Summer feels like forever ago but it's creeping up on us and then where will that leave us?



I hate I am the only one still blogging.